Holla! I'm back!
Scene: Griddle Cafe
Ding-dong wedding bells! Heidi says it's time to set a da-ate for their weh-ding! But Satan wants nothing to do with it and would prefer to elope to Cabo, where surely there will be lots of paparazzi ready to take photos of them cahvorting all by themselves. Then he switches it up and makes the ultimate romantic gesture. "It's on you. Just tell me what day to be there. I'll wear a suit." Satan is so dreamy.
Scene: Gym
Horsey and Lauren have added Whitney to their personal training posse, which now looks more like a group cardiokickboxing session. Their inspirational trainer Jarrett says to "go work out," to which the girls giggle and respond that they're going to Big Wang's or something.
At the smoothie/juice bar, Whitney remarks on the niceness that is Jarrett. She has no expectation of anything other than that, I guess. Then she makes that Whitney face and I remember why I love Whitney so.
Scene: Westminster Presbyterian Church
Heidi drags Satan by his pitchfork into a churck, and I swear I saw cracks start to form in the foundation. Satan is wearing a t-shirt that says to "respect" something that I couldn't make out. Life? Jesus? Yo-self? A lady pastor tells them they are required to undergo pre-wedding counseling, which pleases Satan to no end.
Scene: Hillside Villas
Whitney has brought over her best lingerie, moccasins and tights to Lauren and Horsey's apartment to prepare for their group date at the sports bar. After dressing, she exclaims, "I feel like I'm a backup dancer." No Whitney, baby, you're the *star*!
Scene: Big Wang's
Lauren, Whitney and Horsey are at Big Wang's looking for the eponymous gentleman. Instead, Jarrett shows up as planned. Whitney and Jarrett play pool, and Lauren and Horsey remark on how cute they are together. Jarrett totally hustles Whitney. There's really very little conversation going on until Jarrett says to Whit, "We should go up to Runyon Canyon this weekend." In case she wasn't clear about what was expected from her, he clarifies that they will have a "one-on-one session" first, where he will really kick her ass. Overeager Whitney spazzes out. "When? I'll do it as soon as possible." Jarrett comes right back with, "10 a.m. - I'll be there, ready to go." Hmmm.
Scene: Runyon Canyon
At Runyon Canyon, Jarrett is bossing Whit around like this is a personal training session when he's actually seeing if she can "keep up" with him if you know what I'm sayin. He'll keep it real, though, by having her do jumping jacks and punching his hands. He remarks on the awesome view. Yeah. Smog is awesome. Jarrett asks he if she wants to have some drinks tonight - apparently the personal training is over - and says, to be clear, "We'll make it a date." He'll even pick her up. What a guy.
Scene: Apt. 666
Satan gets upset that Bride-of-Frankenstein bought bridal magazines. He doesn't understand what their function is. Look, Heidi says, we can get china with our names on it. "Satan and Heidi 4-eva!"
Scene: Teen Vogue
Lauren and Whitney discuss how Jarrett totally hearts Whitney. And now, the weekly lesson: first dates can be really uncomfortable. Thanks, Lauren and Whitney!
Scene: LaCantina
I'm a little off my kilter because I was under the impression that Don Antonio's was the only Mexican restaurant in L.A. After I regain my composure, I note that Jarrett pulls out Whitney's chair for her and orders the lady a white sangria. He remarks that Whitney is dressed beautifully and not like a fabled Indian princess of American folklore. Whitney will go places where she can dance and "not involve herself." That's it. Jarrett is taking her dancing. He asks her what her sign is. Whitney knows she's a Pisces, although she really doesn't know what that means. What's your dream, Whitney wants to know, kind of like that homeless guy on Hollywood Boulevard from "Pretty Woman." Jarrett is very sincere in his response that he wants to be a trainer. He just got out of a relationship. OMG, so did she! She doesn't want to be attached - she just wants to have fun. Come on, Whit. The name of the game is "hard to get." Jarrett responds, "Yeah, that's why I asked you out."
Scene: Apt. 666
Heidi is very tired from a long day of party planning and friendship wrecking. Spencer has the solution: "You can sleep in the car." How appealling. "I've packed for you. We're going to Las Vegas to get married. I got us the honeymoon suite." Heidi says um, no, I want my dad to walk me down the aisle and celebrate the day with family and maybe my friends like Jen Bunney and that new girl at work. But she's not done with Satan yet. "I'm sick of coming home and wondering 'What's gonna be there? What's going on?'" Day-um, Heidi ends with a flourish. "If I'm too much of a hassle for you then maybe we should think about it some more," and she leaves her Ring Pop on the coffee table.
Scene: Heidi's Non-Job Job.
Heidi is busy making paper creases, perhaps some origami swans for the next "event" gift bag. New workplace friend Kimberly is all, what's wrong. So Heidi rehashes the story of Spencer wanting to elope to Vegas (which, I should add, is a bit of a downgrade from Cabo, but whatev). He left the house. Can you imagine? "If we can't even figure out a fight, how are we supposed to figure out our lives together?" Word, Heidi. Hell, I can't even figure out that sentence.
Scene: Cafe M
Lauren and Whitney are discussing Whitney's date with Jarrett at some cafe. First things first. "Do you have any..................sweetener?" Lauren asks what Jarrett wore on the date, being the fashionista. He wore a tight, v-neck American Apparel shirt. Whitney divulges that she got a "friend" vibe from Jarrett, which was punctuated by the fact that there was No Kissing. I knew Whitney was a tease. Whittease. Nevertheless, they discuss what to do in the event that a kiss was imminent but undesirable, going through a number of kiss-avoidance manuevers. "Knowing me, I would make it awkward," laughs Whitney. Sigh. This is probably true.
Scene: Apt. 666
Heidi is unpacking groceries with her boobs. Satan breezes through the door, singing "Honey, I'm ho-ome." Heidi wants to know where Satan slept last night. "At my parents' house." Really? Satan says he wants to do whatever is gonna make her happy forever. Heidi can't believe Satan left. She wouldn't have left. He's sorry. Apology accepted. He gives her back the Ring Pop. They're living the dream.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
Cram This, MTV
WTF? I was all psyched for a new episode of The Hills, but instead there's some "The Hills Cram Session Season 3" garbage on. If you read my blog, then you don't need to watch this fluff.
And what are we cramming for, exactly? Here's my sample exam. It's a take-home.
(1) Compare and contrast Jen Bunney's nose job and Heidi Montag's nose job.
(2) Explain the possible social ramifications if Lauren had actually been named Crystal.
(3) Discuss the versatility of the turquoise hoodie.
(4) Explain Jason's fiancee, Katja. Just try it.
(5) Translate the following quintessential Justin Bobby phrase: "Kicking rocks."
(6) Describe the economic pitfalls of the vintage tee market.
(7) Explain how to propose marriage to someone without actually asking her to marry you.
(8) Fathom a guess at how many undergarmets were gobbled up by Audrina's ass thus far this season.
(9) List the prerequisites for membership in the Douche Squad.
(10) True or false: Not Lauren could stand to shut her trap every so often.
(11) True or false: Rehab is a totally normal place for your friends to hang out.
(12) Which of these is NOT an L.A. eatery:
(a) Ketchup
(b) Don Antonio's
(c) Toi
(d) Crested Butte
Extra credit: Discuss in detail the tooth whitening process as demonstrated by Audrina.
You may unseal your test booklets and begin. Good luck.
And what are we cramming for, exactly? Here's my sample exam. It's a take-home.
(1) Compare and contrast Jen Bunney's nose job and Heidi Montag's nose job.
(2) Explain the possible social ramifications if Lauren had actually been named Crystal.
(3) Discuss the versatility of the turquoise hoodie.
(4) Explain Jason's fiancee, Katja. Just try it.
(5) Translate the following quintessential Justin Bobby phrase: "Kicking rocks."
(6) Describe the economic pitfalls of the vintage tee market.
(7) Explain how to propose marriage to someone without actually asking her to marry you.
(8) Fathom a guess at how many undergarmets were gobbled up by Audrina's ass thus far this season.
(9) List the prerequisites for membership in the Douche Squad.
(10) True or false: Not Lauren could stand to shut her trap every so often.
(11) True or false: Rehab is a totally normal place for your friends to hang out.
(12) Which of these is NOT an L.A. eatery:
(a) Ketchup
(b) Don Antonio's
(c) Toi
(d) Crested Butte
Extra credit: Discuss in detail the tooth whitening process as demonstrated by Audrina.
You may unseal your test booklets and begin. Good luck.
Monday, October 1, 2007
What Happens in Vegas Festers and Turns into a Rash in Vegas
Because you can only go to Luh Doo so many times, we're taking this party to Vegas, baby! But apparently you can never get enough Don Antonio's. That loco gringo shizz never gets old.
Scene: Lauren and Horsey's Apartment
The ladies are packing for a trip to Las Vegas when Horsey asks Lauren what she's getting Brody for his birthday. "We're flying to Vegas. You mean he needs a present too?" Lauren asks incredulously, appalled that her mere presence would not be enough. Cheapskate. Then we learn that Justin Bobby will be accompanying the ladies on their trip to Vegas as the only guy. Horsey is wearing her finest, um, denim vest for the trip. Looks like Justin Bobby's nouveau-trashbag-combat style is rubbing off on our friend Horsey. "That will be interesting." Word.
Scene: The Frat House
Satan and Heidi are discussing their anniversary plans, since it's been a whole year since they started ruining other people's lives. Heidi asks when Satan plans on telling his parents that they are engaged. A minor point, no doubt, to which Satan casually mentions that perhaps this will occur sometime after the wedding. But nevermind that silly stuff, let's get on to the important activities planned for the day - a trip to the spa for facials and then dinner at the "anniversary spot," which we all know means Don Antonio's. They raise a glass of brown cola to toast the best year of their lives.
Scene: LAX (the actual airport, not the ubiquitous club)
As the girls arrive at the airport, we see that Justin Bobby is chillin curbside in an oversized red wool hat, his guitar ready for action. Not Lauren and Lauren and a girl I'm unfamiliar with whom I will call More Than Lauren greet Justin Bobby, along with Horsey, who gallops up to him. "Can't we just do roadside check-in?" asks Horsey. Lauren asks Justin Bobby if he's going to serenade them with his guitar. Because Justin Bobby clearly hates every single one of them, he emits no response.
Scene: The Palms - this is MTV, people!
In "Brody's Suite" the Douche Squad is in full effect, with special Douche Nozzle "Tim" (I think - I honestly wasn't paying attention to him) mixing it up. Ding-dong, who could be at the door? Surprise! Brody is warmed by the sight of his bitches, including More Than Lauren, whose real name is allegedly "Jill." Justin Bobby jumps the gun on the ensuing toast and swings one back. It's gonna be a long weekend.
Scene: Heidi's Pseudo-Job
Jellodie is stirring up trouble. "Aren't you pissed that Heidi has her own office?" Jellodie asks some other Bolthouse minion, then announces that she gave her notice because of "the whole Heidi situation." In comes Bossman Bolthouse, who asks her about some event that is happening tomorrow that Heidi the Businesswoman had some level of responsibility for. Heidi announces that tomorrow is her anniversary and that someone will be covering for her. Bossman Bolthouse is not impressed. All Jellodie can do is shake her head.
Scene: Heidi's Pseudo-Job - again (post-commercial break)
Heidi asks Jellodie if everything is set for event, unaware that Jellodie has given this non-job the heave-ho. She mentions that its her anniversary, "so..." Jellodie finishes, "You want me to cover for you? Sure. Anything for you." Heidi the Businesswoman sets her straight. "You know that its business and nothing personal." "Sure. Should be no problem so have a great time." Jellodie is clearly planning something evil. I love her. I will miss her on this program.
Scene: Brody's Suite or some other Palms suite as if it really matters
Justin Bobby has not spoken one word to Lauren and Not Lauren. Oh, and More Than Lauren. Not Lauren is upset about this - she must think there's more to Justin Bobby than "kicking rocks" and avoiding labels. Lauren interrupts with an urgent shoe issue, but Not Lauren brings them back to reality and they decide to have a contest to see who can get him to smile first.
Scene: Some Vegas Club
Subtle Brody says something about taking Lauren on his spinning bed. He appreciates them coming for "my birthday" and for "my 24th," since those are obviously two different things. More Than Lauren and Not Lauren announce that they bought Justin Bobby a shot. Justin Bobby promptly ignores his benefactors in authentic Justin Bobby style. Lauren and Brody engage in some boring foreshadowing foreplay.
Scene: Somewhere Else at Some Vegas Club
Frankie asks Lauren what she's "going to do" about Brody, because they have "this chemistry." He explains that their problems began with the whole Spencer/Heidi thing. Now it becomes clear that Spencer and Heidi have ruined Lauren and Brody's relationship too! Turns out that Spencer and Heidi are also responsible for (1) the crisis in Darfur, (2) global warming, and (3) Britney Spears' performance at the VMAs. Then Not Lauren flashes her "Britney."
Scene: Brody's Suite
Brody, wearing sunglasses, says to Frankie, also wearing sungrasses, that "Wow - we were out of our minds last night." They discuss how Brody should get with Lauren. Even Douche Nozzle has sunglasses on. He's officially on the Squad now.
Scene: The Palms Pool
The girls are wondering the whereabouts of Horsey in an oversized papasan chair located poolside, because nothing is more flattering than sitting crouched up and hunched over in a two-piece. Lauren "adores Brody, but in a friendly way." "Well now that Jason's taken, you should go for Brody." HEY - MORE THAN LAUREN! There are more than two men in the universe. But none is douchier than Brody.
Scene: Pure
Romance is stenching up the air at Pure. Not Lauren and Frankie are making out. Brody and Lauren are making out. Audrina and Justin Bobby are not making out but instead looking sullen. I think all Brody does at clubs is shake his shoulders and point at people. It's his thing.
Scene: Don Antonio's
Surprise! Spencer has decked out the Don Antonio's table with some extra candles. Heidi can't believe her eyes at this momentous occasion, so she says, "I'm just excited to be here and at not work." Bring on the chalupas. It's our anniversary!
Scene: The Rotating Bed
All the ladies are on the rotating bed, feeling drunkety-drunk drunk, and Not Lauren announces that Justin Bobby hates all of them. Audrina is in the uncomfortable position of having to defend his hats and his attitude - thanks Not Lauren. "I get it!" Horsey gets sarcastic. "I'll blow him off and I'll never talk to him again." Actually, if you remove the words "off" and "again" from that sentence, then I'm pretty sure that this is already the norm with Horsey and Justin Bobby.
Scene: Don Antonio's
What a shocker - Heidi's cell phone rings. "They say its rude to answer the phone at anniversary dinners." Note that it is also rude to not have a job, spray paint your living room wall, diss your best-friend-since-kids, and say everything in a sing-song voice. Oh, and encourage your wifey-to-be to screw over her co-worker. Heidi learns via cell phone that Jellodie totally ditched out on the event. Heidi then learns that Jellodie quit yesterday. Heidi explains that she has to leave to go be Heidi the Businesswoman, and then blames Satan for encouraging her for going for the promotion. But nevermind all that - "So, I love you," she says. Satan replies, "No you don't," with an stare that melted the cheese on the chalupa. EEEK.
Scene: Brody's Suite
Brody was mumbling something about Justin Bobby and Not Lauren. Yeah, I'm totally not listening ot this conversation. Arguing, not arguing, who cares. Brody suggests taking a nap outside. But who will stand up for Justin Bobby? Brody. That's who. But not until he takes a nap with Lauren. And then the show ends. Snore.
- Will Brody and Lauren adore each other in a friendly way?
- Will Horsey kick Not Lauren in her Britney for talking smack about Justin Bobby?
- Will Satan accept Heidi the Businesswoman's love and tell his parents about his almost- proposal of marriage?
- Did Lisa Love have Whitney killed?
- Did More Than Lauren ever make it out of that papasan chair?
The answers to these questions and more, God willing, next week.
Scene: Lauren and Horsey's Apartment
The ladies are packing for a trip to Las Vegas when Horsey asks Lauren what she's getting Brody for his birthday. "We're flying to Vegas. You mean he needs a present too?" Lauren asks incredulously, appalled that her mere presence would not be enough. Cheapskate. Then we learn that Justin Bobby will be accompanying the ladies on their trip to Vegas as the only guy. Horsey is wearing her finest, um, denim vest for the trip. Looks like Justin Bobby's nouveau-trashbag-combat style is rubbing off on our friend Horsey. "That will be interesting." Word.
Scene: The Frat House
Satan and Heidi are discussing their anniversary plans, since it's been a whole year since they started ruining other people's lives. Heidi asks when Satan plans on telling his parents that they are engaged. A minor point, no doubt, to which Satan casually mentions that perhaps this will occur sometime after the wedding. But nevermind that silly stuff, let's get on to the important activities planned for the day - a trip to the spa for facials and then dinner at the "anniversary spot," which we all know means Don Antonio's. They raise a glass of brown cola to toast the best year of their lives.
Scene: LAX (the actual airport, not the ubiquitous club)
As the girls arrive at the airport, we see that Justin Bobby is chillin curbside in an oversized red wool hat, his guitar ready for action. Not Lauren and Lauren and a girl I'm unfamiliar with whom I will call More Than Lauren greet Justin Bobby, along with Horsey, who gallops up to him. "Can't we just do roadside check-in?" asks Horsey. Lauren asks Justin Bobby if he's going to serenade them with his guitar. Because Justin Bobby clearly hates every single one of them, he emits no response.
Scene: The Palms - this is MTV, people!
In "Brody's Suite" the Douche Squad is in full effect, with special Douche Nozzle "Tim" (I think - I honestly wasn't paying attention to him) mixing it up. Ding-dong, who could be at the door? Surprise! Brody is warmed by the sight of his bitches, including More Than Lauren, whose real name is allegedly "Jill." Justin Bobby jumps the gun on the ensuing toast and swings one back. It's gonna be a long weekend.
Scene: Heidi's Pseudo-Job
Jellodie is stirring up trouble. "Aren't you pissed that Heidi has her own office?" Jellodie asks some other Bolthouse minion, then announces that she gave her notice because of "the whole Heidi situation." In comes Bossman Bolthouse, who asks her about some event that is happening tomorrow that Heidi the Businesswoman had some level of responsibility for. Heidi announces that tomorrow is her anniversary and that someone will be covering for her. Bossman Bolthouse is not impressed. All Jellodie can do is shake her head.
Scene: Heidi's Pseudo-Job - again (post-commercial break)
Heidi asks Jellodie if everything is set for event, unaware that Jellodie has given this non-job the heave-ho. She mentions that its her anniversary, "so..." Jellodie finishes, "You want me to cover for you? Sure. Anything for you." Heidi the Businesswoman sets her straight. "You know that its business and nothing personal." "Sure. Should be no problem so have a great time." Jellodie is clearly planning something evil. I love her. I will miss her on this program.
Scene: Brody's Suite or some other Palms suite as if it really matters
Justin Bobby has not spoken one word to Lauren and Not Lauren. Oh, and More Than Lauren. Not Lauren is upset about this - she must think there's more to Justin Bobby than "kicking rocks" and avoiding labels. Lauren interrupts with an urgent shoe issue, but Not Lauren brings them back to reality and they decide to have a contest to see who can get him to smile first.
Scene: Some Vegas Club
Subtle Brody says something about taking Lauren on his spinning bed. He appreciates them coming for "my birthday" and for "my 24th," since those are obviously two different things. More Than Lauren and Not Lauren announce that they bought Justin Bobby a shot. Justin Bobby promptly ignores his benefactors in authentic Justin Bobby style. Lauren and Brody engage in some boring foreshadowing foreplay.
Scene: Somewhere Else at Some Vegas Club
Frankie asks Lauren what she's "going to do" about Brody, because they have "this chemistry." He explains that their problems began with the whole Spencer/Heidi thing. Now it becomes clear that Spencer and Heidi have ruined Lauren and Brody's relationship too! Turns out that Spencer and Heidi are also responsible for (1) the crisis in Darfur, (2) global warming, and (3) Britney Spears' performance at the VMAs. Then Not Lauren flashes her "Britney."
Scene: Brody's Suite
Brody, wearing sunglasses, says to Frankie, also wearing sungrasses, that "Wow - we were out of our minds last night." They discuss how Brody should get with Lauren. Even Douche Nozzle has sunglasses on. He's officially on the Squad now.
Scene: The Palms Pool
The girls are wondering the whereabouts of Horsey in an oversized papasan chair located poolside, because nothing is more flattering than sitting crouched up and hunched over in a two-piece. Lauren "adores Brody, but in a friendly way." "Well now that Jason's taken, you should go for Brody." HEY - MORE THAN LAUREN! There are more than two men in the universe. But none is douchier than Brody.
Scene: Pure
Romance is stenching up the air at Pure. Not Lauren and Frankie are making out. Brody and Lauren are making out. Audrina and Justin Bobby are not making out but instead looking sullen. I think all Brody does at clubs is shake his shoulders and point at people. It's his thing.
Scene: Don Antonio's
Surprise! Spencer has decked out the Don Antonio's table with some extra candles. Heidi can't believe her eyes at this momentous occasion, so she says, "I'm just excited to be here and at not work." Bring on the chalupas. It's our anniversary!
Scene: The Rotating Bed
All the ladies are on the rotating bed, feeling drunkety-drunk drunk, and Not Lauren announces that Justin Bobby hates all of them. Audrina is in the uncomfortable position of having to defend his hats and his attitude - thanks Not Lauren. "I get it!" Horsey gets sarcastic. "I'll blow him off and I'll never talk to him again." Actually, if you remove the words "off" and "again" from that sentence, then I'm pretty sure that this is already the norm with Horsey and Justin Bobby.
Scene: Don Antonio's
What a shocker - Heidi's cell phone rings. "They say its rude to answer the phone at anniversary dinners." Note that it is also rude to not have a job, spray paint your living room wall, diss your best-friend-since-kids, and say everything in a sing-song voice. Oh, and encourage your wifey-to-be to screw over her co-worker. Heidi learns via cell phone that Jellodie totally ditched out on the event. Heidi then learns that Jellodie quit yesterday. Heidi explains that she has to leave to go be Heidi the Businesswoman, and then blames Satan for encouraging her for going for the promotion. But nevermind all that - "So, I love you," she says. Satan replies, "No you don't," with an stare that melted the cheese on the chalupa. EEEK.
Scene: Brody's Suite
Brody was mumbling something about Justin Bobby and Not Lauren. Yeah, I'm totally not listening ot this conversation. Arguing, not arguing, who cares. Brody suggests taking a nap outside. But who will stand up for Justin Bobby? Brody. That's who. But not until he takes a nap with Lauren. And then the show ends. Snore.
- Will Brody and Lauren adore each other in a friendly way?
- Will Horsey kick Not Lauren in her Britney for talking smack about Justin Bobby?
- Will Satan accept Heidi the Businesswoman's love and tell his parents about his almost- proposal of marriage?
- Did Lisa Love have Whitney killed?
- Did More Than Lauren ever make it out of that papasan chair?
The answers to these questions and more, God willing, next week.
Two-fer Tonight
I intend to post last week's recap and tonight's recap tonight, my friends. Do not fret.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Monday Morning Morass
I love working just a few short blocks away from the United Nations when the president of a State sponsor of terror comes to town. Nothing says "Happy Monday" like hordes of policemen with large automatic weapons posted outside your office building.
Monday, September 10, 2007
The Hills, Episode 6 - Second Chances
Scene: Teen Vogue
Lauren announces to Whitney that her ex, Jason, called her the night before. "What's he up to?" Oh you know, the usual. "He's over in Orange County in a rehab center." Lauren surmises that Jason has a Lauren pager where he shows up just when everything is otherwise going really well.
Scene: Equinox Gym
Lauren and Horsey are "working out" with their personal trainer, although Horsey has a full horse-face of makeup on. The trainer stretches out Lauren in a rather sexual way. Lauren mentions they're going out that night with a guy named Derek who thinks boot camp is not hard. The trainer says something stupid and then "the four of us should go out tonight...and we're doing shots." He mumbles something about it being his once-a-week regimen. He has apparently heard about the Douche Squad and is contemplating membership.
Scene: Juice Bar
Lauren tells Horsey over fruit smoothies that Jason wants to get together. Horsey tells Lauren that Justin Bobby keeps calling her. Lauren changes the conversation topic back to her and again mentions her "radar" theory. The best friends are resilient. "No more Justin Bobby or Jason. Only new boys." And new diseases.
Scene: Heidi's non-job
Heidi walks in wearing white pants - Labor Day, hello. Elodie, the jellyfish of the office, tells Heidi there's a new job opening that comes with its own office. She repeats "I'm dying for my own office." The job would entail "a lot more client interaction and stuff like that," at least more than their present non-jobs do. Heidi says, "Definitely." Jellodie agrees. "Definitely going to talk to Brent about it. Heidi nods. "You should." Jellodie continues to make her case to Heidi. "I definitely think that I'm ready and I've worked here for two years." Heidi seems genuinely puzzled, "That's it? You've worked here since before I did?" "Yeah, about a year." For those keeping score, Heidi has not worked at her non-job for an entire year. That's like, twelve whole months. Definitely. Who will win this battle of the non-working, inappropriately dressed, unprofessional bitches? Stay tuned.
Scene: The Frat House
Heidi comes home to find Satan making his usual ass print in the couch with his laptop. "I have good news!" Satan grins. "I love good news." He is obviously thinking, Christ, please tell me we don't have to go hang out with your family again. "There is a position opening up at Bolthouse." Satan pauses to look at her, wondering if she's suggesting that he get off his douche ass and do something for a living. Nope. "I guess Brent's looking for someone to be, like, the event director?" Heidi has researched the position thoroughly. "Very legit," says Satan. "I'm ready to help you step up."
Scene: Lola's
At Lola's we find Jarett, now named "Personal Trainer" and Derek, "Lauren's Date," waiting for the girls and talking about mullets. There's some nonsense boring conversation between the four of them. But then Lauren queries of Derek, "Why do you have a Michigan State t-shirt?" Turns out Derek went all out to impress on this date and launches right into the following:
"It was 40 cents at a thrift store. Well now the thrift stores are 50, 60 bucks for a shirt. I was in one the other day down on Melrose and it was like its vintage 70 bucks I have nine shirts at home that were like 50 cents now vintage is like more trendy and that's why they mark it up know what I'm sayin isn't it weird that I can buy a shirt for 40 cents and then a year later I can probably find the same shirt for 40 bucks."
Lauren looks aghast. But whatever, she'll play along. She's got new diseases to catch. "Yeah, that's very weird."
"I know, I mean I found that out that's why I got them all before I got out here."
There is nothing I could possibly say that makes this funnier than it is verbatim.
Scene: Luh Doo
The party moves to everyone's favorite club, Luh Doo, where D-Date tells Lauren, "I kind of like you more than anyone I've ever met," and then volunteers this gem: "Maybe I'm psychotic, maybe I've murdered some people." Yikes. Note to my gentlemen readers: this approach is ill-advised. Horsey gallops over to the rescue. "Lauren, I'm gonna go pee, do you need to pee?" and off they escape to the bathroom. Lauren confides to Horsey, "seriously I never wanted to stab myself in the eye more."
Scene: Teen Vogue
The next day in the Teen Vogue intern/no-longer-an-intern corral, Lauren asks Boss Whitney, "Are we working in here today?" "Yeah, I'm supposed to color coordinate these clothes," which she explains to mean that Lauren, her intern bitch, better get to it. "So what's up, what's new?" Whitney asks once she puts the whip away. "Me and Horsey went out with Jarett and his friend." Turns out that Jarett is Whitney's trainer too. Like, OMG! When Lauren explains how needy D-Date turned out to be, Whitney chimes in with, "Guys need to realize that they may need to wait a little while and shouldn't be so desperate." Lauren surmises, "I have a one-date curse that I need to break." Lauren is such a conspiracy theorist. Whitney is on a roll, though, so she explains, "I think its just one of those things you have to go through - not everyone is going to be a Prince Charming."
Scene: Heidi's Non-Job That Could Turn Out to Be an Actual Job
Bossman Bolthouse calls in Heidi the Businesswoman (sans holey jeans) who immediately says she heard about the job opening. Heidi makes her case that she should be considered for the position, asserting, "I feel like I've been here a long time and I've not worked really hard." Bossman thinks its an "interesting idea," which very possibly means, "Crawl under the desk here while I think about this."
Scene: Lauren and Horsey's Kitchen
Not Lauren is here and immediately begins pushing her attitude around and eating Lauren and Horsey's food. "I heard you got in a fight with Justin Bobby," she says to Audrina. And then sits down at the table while dinner is still being prepared. "You can't be good friends with an ex-boyfriend." Who asked you, Not Lauren, you interloper!?
Horsey starts to ask Lauren a question from this book of love and sex questions, but when the question says something about not being able to touch her lovah for 5 years or something, she withdraws the question. "You're not in a relationship. I can't ask you that." Lauren looks grateful for the reminder that she is still alone and boyfriendless, especially when the next question is about how many times she'd had her heart broken or been really in love or some crap like that. She holds up one finger, which we all know means Jason. The girls all try really hard to not look at each other.
Scene: Lauren and Horsey's Pool
D-Date has struck again and left Lauren a voicemail. She grumbles about how terrible he is. Horsey says, "There's no perfect guy." Anyway, Justin Bobby apologized. "You can't just like half of who a person is." I should be writing this shit down. Oh. Wait.
Scene: Heidi's Non-Job-Job
Heidi greets the Bolthouse nameless receptionist and then goes in and sits in her new office, flouncing into her chair. Jellodie walks by, now aware that she got the SHAFT and says "congratulations" and other words of genuine understanding like "Well good for you" and "No, that's fine" and "As long as you appreciate it as much as I would have." Jellodie rolls her eyes as she walks away, in that passive-aggressive way she has, because she's too much of a p*ssy to say anything to Heidi's face but isn't afraid to express her disdain to the camera and millions of eager viewers like us. Too bad she didn't pull a Brody and call her a bitch - but not to her face - and way out of earshot.
Scene: Some Beach
Justin Bobby is wearing a t-shirt that is so dirty it looks like he used it to wipe down his tires. The point of this scene, readers, is twofold, which becomes evident as we watch them emerge from the sand and vvvvrrrroom off on his motorcycle. First, Justin Bobby and Horsey are still "kicking rocks" and not being boyfriend and girlfriend but spending quality time together. Secondly, I swear I just saw Horsey's ass crack. That thing is HUNGRY - it ate her bikini bottoms a couple weeks ago and now its gobbling up her underpants! Yikes!
Scene: Chapman Coffee House
Cue the dramatic scene of the episode. Here comes Jason, with a hall pass from rehab, electing to meet, for obvious reasons, at the coffee house rather than Luh Doo. Lauren gives Jason a pair of sunglasses she found in her car. He's totally psyched. Dude, it wasn't a gift - they were yours to begin with. He's wearing a black wristband that I'm curious about. He then proceeds to tell Lauren everything in his heart, summoning all that pain and emotion from their catastrophic breakup that sent him into his downward spiral into alcoholism and putting it into meaningful verbiage. "It was hard. It was weird. It was just hard to get over." Lauren says, "I know." Sober Jason seems like a pretty decent guy, although he may turn out to be a Fun Bobby. Bonus points if you know what I'm talking about.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
The Hills - Episode 5 - "Rolling with the Enemy"
I think this might be the best episode yet. "Rolling With the Enemy"
Scene: Heidi's Fake Job
Bossman Bolthouse walks in for what appears to be a meeting and point-blank asks Heidi if Lauren and Brody are going back out. Last time Heidi heard, they hated each other. But hey, maybe that nose job messed with her hearing. Who knows. Um, how is this work related? In any event, Heidi looks incredibly uncomfortable. Bossman gives Heidi the important tasks of doing set-up, check in and "getting things organized" for some party. The purpose of this scene escapes me.
Scene: Horsey's Fake-er Job
Horsey and her co-worker take a break from their exhausting non-job duties to sit out in the courtyard and dish. Horsey is describing the drama that was Justin Bobby at Brody's Malibu Barbie beach party the weekend before. "He just peaced out?" I want to slap people who use "peaced out" as a verb. You know who you are, C.S. "I've never cried about a guy in my life," whinnies Horsey. "I'm on this roller coaster ride with Justin Bobby and its like these highs and lows." Horsey is so good about explaining her metaphors, just in case you're not familiar with the physics of roller coasters.
Scene: The Frat House
Heidi walks in after a long day of not working. Satan greets her from the couch. "Hello...most beautiful businesswoman in town. Oooh lip gloss. Look at you." Heidi says that Bossman saw Brody and Lauren together. The horror registers on Satan's chin pubes. "That's like hell freezing over to me. Well good for them, they need each other."
Scene: Les Deux
Lauren is recapping a story about two girls who started making out in the restroom. Some guy with a blonde 'fro, who is unfortunate enough to be labeled "Lauren's Friend" finds this hysterical. Anything's hysterical when you're friend's a pseudo-reality star and you're looking for your 15 minutes of 'fro fame. Brody and Frankie appear and suggest going "to the Roosevelt pool," and Lauren replies that she's there every weekend. Zing! Advantage: Lauren. "But you know what's even more fun? Your condo." Lauren's subtlety needs some work. "OOOOHHHH. We're going back to the condo tonight!" Lauren first confirms that Spencer won't be there, because she's not up for a gangbang. "Spencer sits at home all night." Check. Let's roll.
Scene: Teen Vogue
Whitney is reading the names of designers on tags and Lauren is checking them off on a list. "Were you out last night?" "Yes, I went to Luh Doo." Lauren dishes that Spencer isn't returning Brody's phone calls, but says that it happens, since she and Heidi were "best best friends." If you are keeping track, as I am, then you know that while Lauren was "best best" friends with Heidi, she is currently "best" friends with Horsey, who is also trying to be "best" friends with Justin Bobby. I can't figure out why no one wants to be Whitney's best friend. I would be her best best best friend. "But you guys didn't end being friends because she was handing out with someone you didn't necessarily like." Um, actually Whitney, I think that was exactly what happened. Whitney says it must be a "momentary tiff." Lauren perks up. "Ah! I love that word 'tiff.' Did you know my name was gonna be Tiffany...or Crystal." Whitney imagines the possibilities. "Ti-uff. Crisss. Chrysieeee. Cryssstul." She makes the best faces ever.
Scene: Horsey and Lauren's Apartment
Lauren asks Horsey for wardrobe advice, but not tooth whitening advice, which is odd since that is clearly Horsey's strong suit. Horsey drops that she's going out with Justin Bobby to a restaurant called "Toi," which is pronounced "Toy" instead of "Twah." Not Lauren asks if Justin Bobby will be coming up to get her, and she says no, he'll be waiting for her down in the car and will call when he's damn good and ready for her to come down. "He wants to take things super slow and evolve." He hasn't yet reached that whole cro-magnon phase. Not Lauren, quick with the inquisition, asks, "Haven't you been dating him off and on for two years? How long have you been dating him this time?" Horsey admits that it has been four months since Justin Bobby and his combat boots came on the scene. "Yeah, he should probably be your boyfriend now." Not Lauren is like the wise sage of this group.
Honk-honk Justin Bobby is here in his El Camino. They exchange a very awkward kiss and hug.
Scene: Toi
At Toi, Justin Bobby can't believe Horsey is full already. "Why did we even go to dinner?" Horsey explains about how she ate some oats and carrots earlier and then says, "We're hanging out and getting to know each other." But you can't pull the wool over Justin Bobby's eyes. "Oh I know you. Sometimes you surprise me. But I get the gist of it." She presses him on the boyfriend-girlfriend issue. "For me, putting statements on things, I don't like that." "F*ck them...literally...f*ck them." Horsey looks at him quizzically, confused at what Justin Bobby is now asking her to do.
Scene: Brody's Ride
Brody's rollin in his large expensive SUV and calls up Satan. "Dude, I've called you like 5 times. You can't return my phone calls?" Is it me, or is Brody sounding like a needy chick? Brody can't understand why Satan is pissed that he's hanging with Lauren. "We've been best friends since kids." Um, Kids, the movie? What was that, 1995? "You are rolling with my enemy, and that makes you my enemy. I have nothing to say to you," Satan says, hanging up. Brody is stunned. "Bitch," Brody mumbles. Damn. Brody just called Satan a BITCH! And not to his FACE, but to the PHONE! That he wasn't ON! Oh snap.
Scene: The Roosevelt Hotel Pool
It's apparently Sunday, and if its Sunday, we all know that Lauren is at the Roosevelt. She is surrounded on all sides by her friends and best friends. Not Lauren quizzes everyone about whether they are checking out the meat market, and then we cut to two guys with jugs bigger than hers. Lauren scoffs, and says, "I can see Homeboy's ribs," clearly looking at someone else. "I like a man with some meat on his bones." Horsey wonders if she's made too much of the "boyfriend" label issue with Justin Bobby, since they're supposed to be kicking rocks and evolving and trying to be Best Friends. "He's being over-asshole," Lauren comments. The girls nod in agreement.
Here comes the Douche Squad, Brody and Frankie, to save Horsey from further flogging. When Frankie mentions that he called Lauren the day before, Brody becomes that chick again and says, "Why you calling my lady, dog?" Turns out that when Lauren told Brody that it would be fun to go "back to his condo," after le evening at Luh Doo, they wound up having a super fun and "friendly sleepover," which is apparently secret code for "doing it and then not running away horrified and disheveled in the morning." Lauren tries to deny it but Brody shoots her down and tells her not to make excuses for her skankalicious actions. Besides, Brody says, "Spencer and I broke up. I'm going out with Frankie now." Cue Douche Squad theme music.
Scene: The Frat House
Heidi is pretending to fold laundry while Satan chills on the couch with his laptop. She says, "You know what would be fun that we could do together?" "What?" "Fold this laundry." Clever, Heidi. Satan retorts, "I'm busy," and gets back to work, no doubt on his list of people to assassinate. He then assures her that he supports her in her endeavors and is folding in spirit. Heidi announces, at random, that she will be having breakfast with everyone's favorite tramp and former Best Friend, Jen Bunney. Spencer snaps, "Jen isn't hanging out with Lauren, is she?" wondering whether he needs to add Bunney to the list of targets. Heidi knows how to calm him down. "What do you say we go to Don Antonio's tonight for dinner, just the two of us?" as if they're exhausted from socializing with so many people. Spencer looks less than psyched. Heidi keeps folding.
Scene: Run-down Warehouse/Restaurant
Heidi and Bunney meet for what must be a rhinoplasty summit as well as a breakfast. "You look so different!" exclaims Heidi. They sit across from each other, with Bunney's handbag placed in between them on the table like a buffer. Somehow the conversation turns to Lauren and Spencer and Brody and Spencer and Heidi and Lauren and Heidi mentions that Brody's the one who started the rumors about Lauren and her Beef Curtains video. Bunney asks her how she knows it was Brody, and Heidi says that she heard him say things. See? It all makes sense now. Heidi insists that she doesn't care that she is no longer Best Best Friends with Lauren, or even Best Friends, or even Friends. Bunney knows the truth. "Yes you do." And the breakfast is apparently over, because they're kissing each other and walking away in opposite directions. Turns out that Bunney's plastic surgeon is down in Malibu, while Heidi's is over on Sunset.
Scene: Heidi's Fake Job
Bossman Bolthouse walks in for what appears to be a meeting and point-blank asks Heidi if Lauren and Brody are going back out. Last time Heidi heard, they hated each other. But hey, maybe that nose job messed with her hearing. Who knows. Um, how is this work related? In any event, Heidi looks incredibly uncomfortable. Bossman gives Heidi the important tasks of doing set-up, check in and "getting things organized" for some party. The purpose of this scene escapes me.
Scene: Horsey's Fake-er Job
Horsey and her co-worker take a break from their exhausting non-job duties to sit out in the courtyard and dish. Horsey is describing the drama that was Justin Bobby at Brody's Malibu Barbie beach party the weekend before. "He just peaced out?" I want to slap people who use "peaced out" as a verb. You know who you are, C.S. "I've never cried about a guy in my life," whinnies Horsey. "I'm on this roller coaster ride with Justin Bobby and its like these highs and lows." Horsey is so good about explaining her metaphors, just in case you're not familiar with the physics of roller coasters.
Scene: The Frat House
Heidi walks in after a long day of not working. Satan greets her from the couch. "Hello...most beautiful businesswoman in town. Oooh lip gloss. Look at you." Heidi says that Bossman saw Brody and Lauren together. The horror registers on Satan's chin pubes. "That's like hell freezing over to me. Well good for them, they need each other."
Scene: Les Deux
Lauren is recapping a story about two girls who started making out in the restroom. Some guy with a blonde 'fro, who is unfortunate enough to be labeled "Lauren's Friend" finds this hysterical. Anything's hysterical when you're friend's a pseudo-reality star and you're looking for your 15 minutes of 'fro fame. Brody and Frankie appear and suggest going "to the Roosevelt pool," and Lauren replies that she's there every weekend. Zing! Advantage: Lauren. "But you know what's even more fun? Your condo." Lauren's subtlety needs some work. "OOOOHHHH. We're going back to the condo tonight!" Lauren first confirms that Spencer won't be there, because she's not up for a gangbang. "Spencer sits at home all night." Check. Let's roll.
Scene: Teen Vogue
Whitney is reading the names of designers on tags and Lauren is checking them off on a list. "Were you out last night?" "Yes, I went to Luh Doo." Lauren dishes that Spencer isn't returning Brody's phone calls, but says that it happens, since she and Heidi were "best best friends." If you are keeping track, as I am, then you know that while Lauren was "best best" friends with Heidi, she is currently "best" friends with Horsey, who is also trying to be "best" friends with Justin Bobby. I can't figure out why no one wants to be Whitney's best friend. I would be her best best best friend. "But you guys didn't end being friends because she was handing out with someone you didn't necessarily like." Um, actually Whitney, I think that was exactly what happened. Whitney says it must be a "momentary tiff." Lauren perks up. "Ah! I love that word 'tiff.' Did you know my name was gonna be Tiffany...or Crystal." Whitney imagines the possibilities. "Ti-uff. Crisss. Chrysieeee. Cryssstul." She makes the best faces ever.
Scene: Horsey and Lauren's Apartment
Lauren asks Horsey for wardrobe advice, but not tooth whitening advice, which is odd since that is clearly Horsey's strong suit. Horsey drops that she's going out with Justin Bobby to a restaurant called "Toi," which is pronounced "Toy" instead of "Twah." Not Lauren asks if Justin Bobby will be coming up to get her, and she says no, he'll be waiting for her down in the car and will call when he's damn good and ready for her to come down. "He wants to take things super slow and evolve." He hasn't yet reached that whole cro-magnon phase. Not Lauren, quick with the inquisition, asks, "Haven't you been dating him off and on for two years? How long have you been dating him this time?" Horsey admits that it has been four months since Justin Bobby and his combat boots came on the scene. "Yeah, he should probably be your boyfriend now." Not Lauren is like the wise sage of this group.
Honk-honk Justin Bobby is here in his El Camino. They exchange a very awkward kiss and hug.
Scene: Toi
At Toi, Justin Bobby can't believe Horsey is full already. "Why did we even go to dinner?" Horsey explains about how she ate some oats and carrots earlier and then says, "We're hanging out and getting to know each other." But you can't pull the wool over Justin Bobby's eyes. "Oh I know you. Sometimes you surprise me. But I get the gist of it." She presses him on the boyfriend-girlfriend issue. "For me, putting statements on things, I don't like that." "F*ck them...literally...f*ck them." Horsey looks at him quizzically, confused at what Justin Bobby is now asking her to do.
Scene: Brody's Ride
Brody's rollin in his large expensive SUV and calls up Satan. "Dude, I've called you like 5 times. You can't return my phone calls?" Is it me, or is Brody sounding like a needy chick? Brody can't understand why Satan is pissed that he's hanging with Lauren. "We've been best friends since kids." Um, Kids, the movie? What was that, 1995? "You are rolling with my enemy, and that makes you my enemy. I have nothing to say to you," Satan says, hanging up. Brody is stunned. "Bitch," Brody mumbles. Damn. Brody just called Satan a BITCH! And not to his FACE, but to the PHONE! That he wasn't ON! Oh snap.
Scene: The Roosevelt Hotel Pool
It's apparently Sunday, and if its Sunday, we all know that Lauren is at the Roosevelt. She is surrounded on all sides by her friends and best friends. Not Lauren quizzes everyone about whether they are checking out the meat market, and then we cut to two guys with jugs bigger than hers. Lauren scoffs, and says, "I can see Homeboy's ribs," clearly looking at someone else. "I like a man with some meat on his bones." Horsey wonders if she's made too much of the "boyfriend" label issue with Justin Bobby, since they're supposed to be kicking rocks and evolving and trying to be Best Friends. "He's being over-asshole," Lauren comments. The girls nod in agreement.
Here comes the Douche Squad, Brody and Frankie, to save Horsey from further flogging. When Frankie mentions that he called Lauren the day before, Brody becomes that chick again and says, "Why you calling my lady, dog?" Turns out that when Lauren told Brody that it would be fun to go "back to his condo," after le evening at Luh Doo, they wound up having a super fun and "friendly sleepover," which is apparently secret code for "doing it and then not running away horrified and disheveled in the morning." Lauren tries to deny it but Brody shoots her down and tells her not to make excuses for her skankalicious actions. Besides, Brody says, "Spencer and I broke up. I'm going out with Frankie now." Cue Douche Squad theme music.
Scene: The Frat House
Heidi is pretending to fold laundry while Satan chills on the couch with his laptop. She says, "You know what would be fun that we could do together?" "What?" "Fold this laundry." Clever, Heidi. Satan retorts, "I'm busy," and gets back to work, no doubt on his list of people to assassinate. He then assures her that he supports her in her endeavors and is folding in spirit. Heidi announces, at random, that she will be having breakfast with everyone's favorite tramp and former Best Friend, Jen Bunney. Spencer snaps, "Jen isn't hanging out with Lauren, is she?" wondering whether he needs to add Bunney to the list of targets. Heidi knows how to calm him down. "What do you say we go to Don Antonio's tonight for dinner, just the two of us?" as if they're exhausted from socializing with so many people. Spencer looks less than psyched. Heidi keeps folding.
Scene: Run-down Warehouse/Restaurant
Heidi and Bunney meet for what must be a rhinoplasty summit as well as a breakfast. "You look so different!" exclaims Heidi. They sit across from each other, with Bunney's handbag placed in between them on the table like a buffer. Somehow the conversation turns to Lauren and Spencer and Brody and Spencer and Heidi and Lauren and Heidi mentions that Brody's the one who started the rumors about Lauren and her Beef Curtains video. Bunney asks her how she knows it was Brody, and Heidi says that she heard him say things. See? It all makes sense now. Heidi insists that she doesn't care that she is no longer Best Best Friends with Lauren, or even Best Friends, or even Friends. Bunney knows the truth. "Yes you do." And the breakfast is apparently over, because they're kissing each other and walking away in opposite directions. Turns out that Bunney's plastic surgeon is down in Malibu, while Heidi's is over on Sunset.
Monday, August 27, 2007
The Hills Episode Four - "Meet the Parents"
Lots of cross-country action this week, my friends.
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Scene: Actual (non-costume) jewelry store
Satan and Heidi pay a visit to an actual jewelry store, which is different from the store where Satan purchased Heidi's Diamonique "engagement" ring. Heidi explains to Rafe the proprietor, "I actually have a ring that I need to be sized," not really sure that she believes herself. Rafe mumbles something about it being a nice ring. Do you work on commission, pal? She tries it on both the right and left hands. Satan asks her - again - which hand it goes on. She's got it figured out now, Satan. Heidi randomly muses, "I was thinking maybe you could come back to Colorado with me for the weekend if you want." "Ummmm....this weekend was the barbeque we were doing." Heidi plays the evil female trick of saying its okay "if you'd rather" do that. Satan sticks out his forked tongue and sings, "No, I'd rather go to Colorado and be with your fam-i-ly.....Wow."
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Scene: Douchemobile & STI Motor Sports
Douche Squad founders Brody and Satan visit some blue room with a bunch of rims. Satan tells Brody about his upcoming weekend with his shrew in Colorado. Oh hell no, says Brody. "This weekend is the barbeque we planned two months ago." Brody's cries a bit about how Satan is messing with his juju. Satan insists, "I'm gonna be there in spirit." Brody replies, "I understand that you're in love but it just sucks when you flake out on your homies like that." Brody understands love, but he does not understand how Satan is not down with the bruthahood.
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Scene: Some Beach
Justin Bobby is walking Horsey down the beach. "Hollywood doesn't have this." Medical waste washes over their feet while they sit in the sand. Justin Bobby wearing sunglasses on his chin. "I want you to like Lauren," Horsey whines. "She doesn't need to worry about it until you piss me off." They pound knuckles. Word.
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Scene: Frat House
Heidi says that the whole town of Colorado knows they're coming to visit. Satan replies, "Yeah, this is pretty much the heaviest thing I've ever done."
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Scene: The Boulevard Lounge
Lauren, Not Lauren and Horsey are all dressed up and drinking cocktails. Horsey asks to bring Justin Bobby to the first barbeque of the summer. Lauren shrugs with her eyes and says sure why not. The girls discuss men in general, coming to the ultimate conclusion that "Justin Bobby is complicated." Horsey whinnies in agreement. "Yes, he definitely keeps me on my toes." If by toes, you mean back, then yeah, Horsey. We hear ya.
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Scene: Crusted Butt, Colorado
Satan and Heidi arrive in a smallish jet. Satan sings, "Here we go, Crested Beee-yoot!" Heidi is nervous that her parents will see that she is engaged to the spawn of evil. "You okay - you up for the challenge?" As they roll on up to the House of Heidi and disembark the vehicle, we see that Satan has busted out with his finest poofed-up middle aged midwestern woman's hairdo, trying his best to fit in. "What's goin on?" he asks no one in particular. He focuses on the parents and warms their hearts when he remarks, "It's a trip, coming from the city to this."
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Scene: Brody's BBQ
Douchebox Frankie and Brody crack each other up. "I bet you right now he's riding horseback in the mountains." Satan checks in on the barbeque via cell phone. "What up...We're all here at the barbeque." Satan responds, "Yeah, well, you guys can pretend I'm there." Brody tells Satan to give his best to Heidi's parents since "I guess they're gonna be my best friend's future mother and father in law." It's nice to see that Heidi and Satan have such a fantastic support system.
Lauren and Not Lauren arrive to much fanfare. Brody douches, "We going kayaking - we're gonna get our fitness on." Meanwhile, Horsey's ass eats up her bikini bottoms, and Justin Bobby looks like a topless woman from behind. The saddest game of touch football ever played happens. Brody breaks something and begins to cry.
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Scene: Custard Butt
Satan needs a t-shirt, so they go the Mountain Store. Dad says, "He's nice, he's polite," and then says he's gonna take him out on the dance floor and make him dance like Vincent Vega. And then they're gonna have a "chat." "I look forward to it."
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Scene: Beach Bash
WTF is Justin Bobby wearing? Diapers and boots, v-neck t-shirt and a ponytail. Brody dips his injury, which turns out to relate to his finger, in his icy adult beverage. He leaves for urgent care.
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Scene: Crostini Butt
Dad tells Satan he wants to go for a little talk - in private. Satan's down. "Let's do that." They walk to the horse barn. "All I can tell you is my whole life I never thought I was the kind of person who would want to get serious with someone." Satan says, no doubt reassuring Dad as he gently strokes the pony. Dad tells Satan that Heidi's the kind of person who will forsake all others to worship a diety. "If things were go south, what would happen to her? I need her to have all of her eggs in one basket." Satan contemplates this and doesn't get it.
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Scene: Party Party
Horsey rears up her back legs and scrapes her hoofs at the ground, pissed as hell that Justin Bobby is making eyes at non-equine women. "Look at him, he's such a flirt." In the best non-storyline of the night, Brody walks in with a cast, x-rays and a lifetime of memories. He allegedly needs surgery. Lauren gets the giggles. "Oh laugh it up guys. Can't wait till it happens to you." Lauren knows it would never happen to her. She was all-conference in beach touch football.
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Scene: Crooked Butt
Mom is sharing her wisdom with Heidi. "Spencer could be the guy who ends up being your husband." Heidi can't understand why people don't believe she's actually engaged. "I can't imagine my life without Satan. He's my everything." Mom queries Heidi, "If you wind up having trouble, where are you gonna go?"
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Scene: It's His Party...
Brody's crying to Lauren and Not Lauren because they laughed at him for - again - crying about his finger. "I'm a little insecure about THIS," flailing his gimpy arm about. I'd be more insecure about that giant "Summer's Eve" on your forehead, sugar.
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Scene: Heidi's Parents' Restaurant
Satan sure knows how to pay a compliment. Nevermind the food. "I still can't believe you painted this whole place," he says in amazement. "So Satan, I'm impressed with your commitment with this ring." Satan grins. "She deserves the world, so." Yes, so. So you bought her a Diamonique.
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Scene:...And He'll Cry If Wants To
In this meaningless scene, we learn that underutilized Whitney did not attend the party because she was not feeling well. Brody confirms what most already know. "Spencer's not here." Lauren pretends to care, asking, "You guys ok? I lost a best friend last year too." I'm very surprised that Brody doesn't choke back a sob and blurt out, "It's not the same! We were BFF!" Oh Brody.
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Scene: Crumpled Butt
Satan cheeses, "Now I see why she hates on every chocolate souffle in L.A. - this is the real deal." That brown stuff is not chocolate souffle on his nose, people. Heidi gets up from the table and Satan says, somewhat ironically,"What an angel." But uh-oh. Heidi's parents can't let go of the fact that Satan has caused the rift between Heidi and Lauren. Satan's head spins around several times and then responds, "She's literally like a stubborn, immature little selfish little girl ...'I want Heidi to myself, you don't share her da da da da da,' literally it was like that." Literally. Heidi is confused. "Why are we talking about Lauren?"
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Scene: Beachaholics
Lauren and Horsey talk more smack about Heidi, the topic that never seems to die. "She let Hollywood go to her head, and he let a guy influence her...you know what I mean?" Horsey and Lauren like to make sure that there's no misunderstanding in ANY of their conversations. Lauren's eyes start to tear from the glare off Horsey's teeth.
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Scene: Crusted Butt
Heidi kisses Satan good night and leaves him to rot on the sofa.
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Scene: Beach Furniture Display
It occurs to Horsey that she hasn't seen Justin Bobby lately. "I haven't seen Justin in forever. I'm gonna try to call him." Because it's too much to get up and walk into the house to check. Lauren wanders inside and immediately walks out with a helmet. "Justin Bobby left this on the couch." Horsey can't figure it out. "He just left me? He's gone? Really?" Lauren grins, "I'm sorry." Horsey is all, "Seriously, I'm done." They hug it out. What is with the waterworks at this barbeque? It's like the worst beach party ever. Lauren puts it all in perspective. "Seriously, homeboy wore combat boots to the beach." Horsey gets it together. "I'm over it." Lauren learns us all a lesson. "Life's tough. Get a helmet." Or maybe a turquoise hoodie.
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Scene: Actual (non-costume) jewelry store
Satan and Heidi pay a visit to an actual jewelry store, which is different from the store where Satan purchased Heidi's Diamonique "engagement" ring. Heidi explains to Rafe the proprietor, "I actually have a ring that I need to be sized," not really sure that she believes herself. Rafe mumbles something about it being a nice ring. Do you work on commission, pal? She tries it on both the right and left hands. Satan asks her - again - which hand it goes on. She's got it figured out now, Satan. Heidi randomly muses, "I was thinking maybe you could come back to Colorado with me for the weekend if you want." "Ummmm....this weekend was the barbeque we were doing." Heidi plays the evil female trick of saying its okay "if you'd rather" do that. Satan sticks out his forked tongue and sings, "No, I'd rather go to Colorado and be with your fam-i-ly.....Wow."
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Scene: Douchemobile & STI Motor Sports
Douche Squad founders Brody and Satan visit some blue room with a bunch of rims. Satan tells Brody about his upcoming weekend with his shrew in Colorado. Oh hell no, says Brody. "This weekend is the barbeque we planned two months ago." Brody's cries a bit about how Satan is messing with his juju. Satan insists, "I'm gonna be there in spirit." Brody replies, "I understand that you're in love but it just sucks when you flake out on your homies like that." Brody understands love, but he does not understand how Satan is not down with the bruthahood.
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Scene: Some Beach
Justin Bobby is walking Horsey down the beach. "Hollywood doesn't have this." Medical waste washes over their feet while they sit in the sand. Justin Bobby wearing sunglasses on his chin. "I want you to like Lauren," Horsey whines. "She doesn't need to worry about it until you piss me off." They pound knuckles. Word.
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Scene: Frat House
Heidi says that the whole town of Colorado knows they're coming to visit. Satan replies, "Yeah, this is pretty much the heaviest thing I've ever done."
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Scene: The Boulevard Lounge
Lauren, Not Lauren and Horsey are all dressed up and drinking cocktails. Horsey asks to bring Justin Bobby to the first barbeque of the summer. Lauren shrugs with her eyes and says sure why not. The girls discuss men in general, coming to the ultimate conclusion that "Justin Bobby is complicated." Horsey whinnies in agreement. "Yes, he definitely keeps me on my toes." If by toes, you mean back, then yeah, Horsey. We hear ya.
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Scene: Crusted Butt, Colorado
Satan and Heidi arrive in a smallish jet. Satan sings, "Here we go, Crested Beee-yoot!" Heidi is nervous that her parents will see that she is engaged to the spawn of evil. "You okay - you up for the challenge?" As they roll on up to the House of Heidi and disembark the vehicle, we see that Satan has busted out with his finest poofed-up middle aged midwestern woman's hairdo, trying his best to fit in. "What's goin on?" he asks no one in particular. He focuses on the parents and warms their hearts when he remarks, "It's a trip, coming from the city to this."
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Scene: Brody's BBQ
Douchebox Frankie and Brody crack each other up. "I bet you right now he's riding horseback in the mountains." Satan checks in on the barbeque via cell phone. "What up...We're all here at the barbeque." Satan responds, "Yeah, well, you guys can pretend I'm there." Brody tells Satan to give his best to Heidi's parents since "I guess they're gonna be my best friend's future mother and father in law." It's nice to see that Heidi and Satan have such a fantastic support system.
Lauren and Not Lauren arrive to much fanfare. Brody douches, "We going kayaking - we're gonna get our fitness on." Meanwhile, Horsey's ass eats up her bikini bottoms, and Justin Bobby looks like a topless woman from behind. The saddest game of touch football ever played happens. Brody breaks something and begins to cry.
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Scene: Custard Butt
Satan needs a t-shirt, so they go the Mountain Store. Dad says, "He's nice, he's polite," and then says he's gonna take him out on the dance floor and make him dance like Vincent Vega. And then they're gonna have a "chat." "I look forward to it."
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Scene: Beach Bash
WTF is Justin Bobby wearing? Diapers and boots, v-neck t-shirt and a ponytail. Brody dips his injury, which turns out to relate to his finger, in his icy adult beverage. He leaves for urgent care.
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Scene: Crostini Butt
Dad tells Satan he wants to go for a little talk - in private. Satan's down. "Let's do that." They walk to the horse barn. "All I can tell you is my whole life I never thought I was the kind of person who would want to get serious with someone." Satan says, no doubt reassuring Dad as he gently strokes the pony. Dad tells Satan that Heidi's the kind of person who will forsake all others to worship a diety. "If things were go south, what would happen to her? I need her to have all of her eggs in one basket." Satan contemplates this and doesn't get it.
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Scene: Party Party
Horsey rears up her back legs and scrapes her hoofs at the ground, pissed as hell that Justin Bobby is making eyes at non-equine women. "Look at him, he's such a flirt." In the best non-storyline of the night, Brody walks in with a cast, x-rays and a lifetime of memories. He allegedly needs surgery. Lauren gets the giggles. "Oh laugh it up guys. Can't wait till it happens to you." Lauren knows it would never happen to her. She was all-conference in beach touch football.
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Scene: Crooked Butt
Mom is sharing her wisdom with Heidi. "Spencer could be the guy who ends up being your husband." Heidi can't understand why people don't believe she's actually engaged. "I can't imagine my life without Satan. He's my everything." Mom queries Heidi, "If you wind up having trouble, where are you gonna go?"
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Scene: It's His Party...
Brody's crying to Lauren and Not Lauren because they laughed at him for - again - crying about his finger. "I'm a little insecure about THIS," flailing his gimpy arm about. I'd be more insecure about that giant "Summer's Eve" on your forehead, sugar.
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Scene: Heidi's Parents' Restaurant
Satan sure knows how to pay a compliment. Nevermind the food. "I still can't believe you painted this whole place," he says in amazement. "So Satan, I'm impressed with your commitment with this ring." Satan grins. "She deserves the world, so." Yes, so. So you bought her a Diamonique.
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Scene:...And He'll Cry If Wants To
In this meaningless scene, we learn that underutilized Whitney did not attend the party because she was not feeling well. Brody confirms what most already know. "Spencer's not here." Lauren pretends to care, asking, "You guys ok? I lost a best friend last year too." I'm very surprised that Brody doesn't choke back a sob and blurt out, "It's not the same! We were BFF!" Oh Brody.
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Scene: Crumpled Butt
Satan cheeses, "Now I see why she hates on every chocolate souffle in L.A. - this is the real deal." That brown stuff is not chocolate souffle on his nose, people. Heidi gets up from the table and Satan says, somewhat ironically,"What an angel." But uh-oh. Heidi's parents can't let go of the fact that Satan has caused the rift between Heidi and Lauren. Satan's head spins around several times and then responds, "She's literally like a stubborn, immature little selfish little girl ...'I want Heidi to myself, you don't share her da da da da da,' literally it was like that." Literally. Heidi is confused. "Why are we talking about Lauren?"
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Scene: Beachaholics
Lauren and Horsey talk more smack about Heidi, the topic that never seems to die. "She let Hollywood go to her head, and he let a guy influence her...you know what I mean?" Horsey and Lauren like to make sure that there's no misunderstanding in ANY of their conversations. Lauren's eyes start to tear from the glare off Horsey's teeth.
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Scene: Crusted Butt
Heidi kisses Satan good night and leaves him to rot on the sofa.
-----------------------
Scene: Beach Furniture Display
It occurs to Horsey that she hasn't seen Justin Bobby lately. "I haven't seen Justin in forever. I'm gonna try to call him." Because it's too much to get up and walk into the house to check. Lauren wanders inside and immediately walks out with a helmet. "Justin Bobby left this on the couch." Horsey can't figure it out. "He just left me? He's gone? Really?" Lauren grins, "I'm sorry." Horsey is all, "Seriously, I'm done." They hug it out. What is with the waterworks at this barbeque? It's like the worst beach party ever. Lauren puts it all in perspective. "Seriously, homeboy wore combat boots to the beach." Horsey gets it together. "I'm over it." Lauren learns us all a lesson. "Life's tough. Get a helmet." Or maybe a turquoise hoodie.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
For Your Consideration
So I decided that this blog cannot be just about The Hills. I mean, I do watch other stuff. Most of it is on TBS, but my love affair with that channel is an entirely different issue. I'm planning on doing recaps of the following: Entourage, Project Runway (when it starts up again), Grey's Anatomy (same deal) and Damages. I may also eventually post my pre-blog recaps of So You Think You Can Dance. That way there will be more to see on the blog, and you can come visit me anytime!
Does anyone have any suggestions?
Does anyone have any suggestions?
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Your first Hills recap of the 3rd season
If you don't watch this show, you really should. Nothing will make you feel better about your own life, worse about your hair, and smart as a genius. And since SYTYCD is no longer taking up four hours of your tv-watching week, there's no excuse. Now for a recap of Episode 3 - "Truth and Time Tells All"
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Scene: Heidi's Non-Job
Heidi arrives at work fresh from a disaster recovery operation or something, given how torn up her jeans are. And who wears them to work?!? Elodie's like, "O.M.G.eeeeeee!" when she spies Heidi's CZ bling. Elodie's immediately suspicious - "You're not pregnant, are you?" followed by an incredulous, "So you're fully engaged?" not believing that this is an actual engagement ring. Heidi does not answer this question, because she's still not sure that she was actually proposed to. "If you meet a Spencer at my age, its like a whole different thing." Elodie the caring friend replies, "I don't think you should buy a wedding dress soon."
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Scene: Hot Topic
Spencer and Brody are the official Douche Squad. I swear it says "D-Squad" on Brody's t-shirt. They appear to be shopping at a Hot Topic-type store called Undefeated. This is apparently where he got the idea to spray paint his living room wall. Spencer has the hairdo of a 63 year-old midwestern woman. He really does look like a leprachaun.
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Scene: Teen Vogue Intern Corral
In the closet/office, Whitney asks Lauren "What's going on, girly." Way to play the power card, Whit. Lauren stares at her screen and passively replies, "Not much, whatcha been up to." "Nothing, just working...what about you?" Whitney apparently has Alzheimers. Except that suddenly Lauren has something to say that isn't meaningless drivel. "Well tonight I'm the third wheel. I don't know what attracts her (Horse Teeth) to him (Justin Bobby)." Whitney says, "You gotta tell me how that goes." "Oh - I - will," says Lauren. Whitney half-laughs. Lauren shrugs. Whitney is soooo underutilized on this show.
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Scene: The Frat House
Oh hell no. "Your hair looks beautiful." What? Random. Spencer has purchased a video game machine. The Lethal Enforcer. It has bugs on the side of it. Heidi disapproves but begins to play anyway. She says, "I have to get dressed." Yes, b/c clearly you forgot to wear your nude colored bra under your see-through shirt.
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Scene: The Ubiquitous Bar/Restaurant
Audrina and Justin Bobby are on a date. He starts the night off right by telling her that he feels like shit. They go ahead and eat despite the fact that Lauren's not there yet. Lauren shows up, just in time for Justin Bobby to rip a nasty belch. And then another. Lauren stirs her drink impatiently. Audrina keeps the comfortable friendly vibe going by asking Lauren if she thinks Justin Bobby is a good guy...right in front of him. "You know, it takes more than a couple drinks to tell." Justin Bobby has questions for Lauren. He says he's really in love with her. He's so not funny. He does not care about Lauren's evaluation. "It is what it is. Let's go." Lauren shakes her head and wonders how she wound up with a best friend who should be riding a short bus home instead of Justin Bobby's motorcycle. "I'm glad we had two drinks." Justin Bobby and Audrina roar off.
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Scene: Lauren and Horsey's Pool
Back at Hillside Villas the next day, Lauren and Audrina are camped out in their triangle top bikinis. Audrina doesn't need any kind of sun reflector, because her blinding white teeth are doing a fantastic job on their own. She admits Justin Bobby was being weird. Audrina apologizes for his being rude and disrespectful. "You should have a guy that makes you feel happy and not upset, you know what I mean?" knowing Audrina will need further explanation. Audrina can't say that she's done with Justin Bobby.
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Scene: The Frat House
Back at the frat house, Spencer decides they need to buy plates, spoons, and a coffee table. Or dining room table. Not necessarily in that order. More proof that they're not actually engaged. If they were actually engaged, they would actually know that people will purchase these things for them before their wedding. Spencer admires his mural. Ha ha! We're not making decisions together! They're surprises, dumbass bitch! "Wow. I love having this power."
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Scene: LA Frozen Yogurt Haven
Lo (Not Lauren) and Lauren are at Pinkberry mumbling something about Fruity Pebbles. Lauren admits to being in a rut. "Let's get you out of it then!" Not Lauren is always right there with the helpful life tips. Not Lauren asks about Justin Bobby. Lauren says he's weird and disrespectful. Lauren decides she does NOT want to work out with Audrina, so she asks "Are we going to the gym?" But - psych! Audrina's ditched Lauren before Lauren even has the chance to bail! Damn! "Can't do the roommate thing with the sucky boyfriend."
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Scene: Club Charcoal
Horsey sits waiting for a hobo to appear at Charcoal. There's one! It's Justin Bobby! Audrina tells him he was grumpy and mean, and that Lauren thought his comments were rude. He says he doesn't really care. They can "kick rocks" or do things and not let the bullshit get in the way. These are the options, Horsey. He swivels back and forth on his chair. She swoons when he says something about her heart. "I think truth and time tells all." "I'll drink to that," Says Horsey. Truth and time will take you straight to the glue factory, dummy.
==============
Scene: The Frat House
Heidi is rolling paint and performing what appears to be actual physical labor. Spencer enters stage right, not amused and looking like a serial killer. "Surprise!" "I surprised you with a beautiful mural and you surprised me with a boring white wall...I can't believe you did this." "I thought we could decide things together." Spencer's shirt has clear creases in it where it was folded on a store shelf about an hour beforehand. "I totally agree." Creepy smile. "What could I do without you?" "Anyway, so this is what it is. So." "Great paint job." He picks up the roller and continues to paint, touching up the spots she fucked up. He will paint the wall with her blood soon enough. Best to start with a clean canvas.
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