Monday Morning Morass

I love working just a few short blocks away from the United Nations when the president of a State sponsor of terror comes to town. Nothing says "Happy Monday" like hordes of policemen with large automatic weapons posted outside your office building.

The Hills, Episode 6 - Second Chances

Scene: Teen Vogue

Lauren announces to Whitney that her ex, Jason, called her the night before. "What's he up to?" Oh you know, the usual. "He's over in Orange County in a rehab center." Lauren surmises that Jason has a Lauren pager where he shows up just when everything is otherwise going really well.

Scene: Equinox Gym

Lauren and Horsey are "working out" with their personal trainer, although Horsey has a full horse-face of makeup on. The trainer stretches out Lauren in a rather sexual way. Lauren mentions they're going out that night with a guy named Derek who thinks boot camp is not hard. The trainer says something stupid and then "the four of us should go out tonight...and we're doing shots." He mumbles something about it being his once-a-week regimen. He has apparently heard about the Douche Squad and is contemplating membership.

Scene: Juice Bar

Lauren tells Horsey over fruit smoothies that Jason wants to get together. Horsey tells Lauren that Justin Bobby keeps calling her. Lauren changes the conversation topic back to her and again mentions her "radar" theory. The best friends are resilient. "No more Justin Bobby or Jason. Only new boys." And new diseases.

Scene: Heidi's non-job

Heidi walks in wearing white pants - Labor Day, hello. Elodie, the jellyfish of the office, tells Heidi there's a new job opening that comes with its own office. She repeats "I'm dying for my own office." The job would entail "a lot more client interaction and stuff like that," at least more than their present non-jobs do. Heidi says, "Definitely." Jellodie agrees. "Definitely going to talk to Brent about it. Heidi nods. "You should." Jellodie continues to make her case to Heidi. "I definitely think that I'm ready and I've worked here for two years." Heidi seems genuinely puzzled, "That's it? You've worked here since before I did?" "Yeah, about a year." For those keeping score, Heidi has not worked at her non-job for an entire year. That's like, twelve whole months. Definitely. Who will win this battle of the non-working, inappropriately dressed, unprofessional bitches? Stay tuned.

Scene: The Frat House

Heidi comes home to find Satan making his usual ass print in the couch with his laptop. "I have good news!" Satan grins. "I love good news." He is obviously thinking, Christ, please tell me we don't have to go hang out with your family again. "There is a position opening up at Bolthouse." Satan pauses to look at her, wondering if she's suggesting that he get off his douche ass and do something for a living. Nope. "I guess Brent's looking for someone to be, like, the event director?" Heidi has researched the position thoroughly. "Very legit," says Satan. "I'm ready to help you step up."

Scene: Lola's

At Lola's we find Jarett, now named "Personal Trainer" and Derek, "Lauren's Date," waiting for the girls and talking about mullets. There's some nonsense boring conversation between the four of them. But then Lauren queries of Derek, "Why do you have a Michigan State t-shirt?" Turns out Derek went all out to impress on this date and launches right into the following:

"It was 40 cents at a thrift store. Well now the thrift stores are 50, 60 bucks for a shirt. I was in one the other day down on Melrose and it was like its vintage 70 bucks I have nine shirts at home that were like 50 cents now vintage is like more trendy and that's why they mark it up know what I'm sayin isn't it weird that I can buy a shirt for 40 cents and then a year later I can probably find the same shirt for 40 bucks."

Lauren looks aghast. But whatever, she'll play along. She's got new diseases to catch. "Yeah, that's very weird."

"I know, I mean I found that out that's why I got them all before I got out here."

There is nothing I could possibly say that makes this funnier than it is verbatim.

Scene: Luh Doo

The party moves to everyone's favorite club, Luh Doo, where D-Date tells Lauren, "I kind of like you more than anyone I've ever met," and then volunteers this gem: "Maybe I'm psychotic, maybe I've murdered some people." Yikes. Note to my gentlemen readers: this approach is ill-advised. Horsey gallops over to the rescue. "Lauren, I'm gonna go pee, do you need to pee?" and off they escape to the bathroom. Lauren confides to Horsey, "seriously I never wanted to stab myself in the eye more."

Scene: Teen Vogue

The next day in the Teen Vogue intern/no-longer-an-intern corral, Lauren asks Boss Whitney, "Are we working in here today?" "Yeah, I'm supposed to color coordinate these clothes," which she explains to mean that Lauren, her intern bitch, better get to it. "So what's up, what's new?" Whitney asks once she puts the whip away. "Me and Horsey went out with Jarett and his friend." Turns out that Jarett is Whitney's trainer too. Like, OMG! When Lauren explains how needy D-Date turned out to be, Whitney chimes in with, "Guys need to realize that they may need to wait a little while and shouldn't be so desperate." Lauren surmises, "I have a one-date curse that I need to break." Lauren is such a conspiracy theorist. Whitney is on a roll, though, so she explains, "I think its just one of those things you have to go through - not everyone is going to be a Prince Charming."

Scene: Heidi's Non-Job That Could Turn Out to Be an Actual Job

Bossman Bolthouse calls in Heidi the Businesswoman (sans holey jeans) who immediately says she heard about the job opening. Heidi makes her case that she should be considered for the position, asserting, "I feel like I've been here a long time and I've not worked really hard." Bossman thinks its an "interesting idea," which very possibly means, "Crawl under the desk here while I think about this."

Scene: Lauren and Horsey's Kitchen

Not Lauren is here and immediately begins pushing her attitude around and eating Lauren and Horsey's food. "I heard you got in a fight with Justin Bobby," she says to Audrina. And then sits down at the table while dinner is still being prepared. "You can't be good friends with an ex-boyfriend." Who asked you, Not Lauren, you interloper!?

Horsey starts to ask Lauren a question from this book of love and sex questions, but when the question says something about not being able to touch her lovah for 5 years or something, she withdraws the question. "You're not in a relationship. I can't ask you that." Lauren looks grateful for the reminder that she is still alone and boyfriendless, especially when the next question is about how many times she'd had her heart broken or been really in love or some crap like that. She holds up one finger, which we all know means Jason. The girls all try really hard to not look at each other.

Scene: Lauren and Horsey's Pool

D-Date has struck again and left Lauren a voicemail. She grumbles about how terrible he is. Horsey says, "There's no perfect guy." Anyway, Justin Bobby apologized. "You can't just like half of who a person is." I should be writing this shit down. Oh. Wait.

Scene: Heidi's Non-Job-Job

Heidi greets the Bolthouse nameless receptionist and then goes in and sits in her new office, flouncing into her chair. Jellodie walks by, now aware that she got the SHAFT and says "congratulations" and other words of genuine understanding like "Well good for you" and "No, that's fine" and "As long as you appreciate it as much as I would have." Jellodie rolls her eyes as she walks away, in that passive-aggressive way she has, because she's too much of a p*ssy to say anything to Heidi's face but isn't afraid to express her disdain to the camera and millions of eager viewers like us. Too bad she didn't pull a Brody and call her a bitch - but not to her face - and way out of earshot.

Scene: Some Beach

Justin Bobby is wearing a t-shirt that is so dirty it looks like he used it to wipe down his tires. The point of this scene, readers, is twofold, which becomes evident as we watch them emerge from the sand and vvvvrrrroom off on his motorcycle. First, Justin Bobby and Horsey are still "kicking rocks" and not being boyfriend and girlfriend but spending quality time together. Secondly, I swear I just saw Horsey's ass crack. That thing is HUNGRY - it ate her bikini bottoms a couple weeks ago and now its gobbling up her underpants! Yikes!

Scene: Chapman Coffee House

Cue the dramatic scene of the episode. Here comes Jason, with a hall pass from rehab, electing to meet, for obvious reasons, at the coffee house rather than Luh Doo. Lauren gives Jason a pair of sunglasses she found in her car. He's totally psyched. Dude, it wasn't a gift - they were yours to begin with. He's wearing a black wristband that I'm curious about. He then proceeds to tell Lauren everything in his heart, summoning all that pain and emotion from their catastrophic breakup that sent him into his downward spiral into alcoholism and putting it into meaningful verbiage. "It was hard. It was weird. It was just hard to get over." Lauren says, "I know." Sober Jason seems like a pretty decent guy, although he may turn out to be a Fun Bobby. Bonus points if you know what I'm talking about.

The Hills - Episode 5 - "Rolling with the Enemy"

I think this might be the best episode yet. "Rolling With the Enemy"

Scene: Heidi's Fake Job

Bossman Bolthouse walks in for what appears to be a meeting and point-blank asks Heidi if Lauren and Brody are going back out. Last time Heidi heard, they hated each other. But hey, maybe that nose job messed with her hearing. Who knows. Um, how is this work related? In any event, Heidi looks incredibly uncomfortable. Bossman gives Heidi the important tasks of doing set-up, check in and "getting things organized" for some party. The purpose of this scene escapes me.

Scene: Horsey's Fake-er Job

Horsey and her co-worker take a break from their exhausting non-job duties to sit out in the courtyard and dish. Horsey is describing the drama that was Justin Bobby at Brody's Malibu Barbie beach party the weekend before. "He just peaced out?" I want to slap people who use "peaced out" as a verb. You know who you are, C.S. "I've never cried about a guy in my life," whinnies Horsey. "I'm on this roller coaster ride with Justin Bobby and its like these highs and lows." Horsey is so good about explaining her metaphors, just in case you're not familiar with the physics of roller coasters.

Scene: The Frat House

Heidi walks in after a long day of not working. Satan greets her from the couch. "Hello...most beautiful businesswoman in town. Oooh lip gloss. Look at you." Heidi says that Bossman saw Brody and Lauren together. The horror registers on Satan's chin pubes. "That's like hell freezing over to me. Well good for them, they need each other."

Scene: Les Deux

Lauren is recapping a story about two girls who started making out in the restroom. Some guy with a blonde 'fro, who is unfortunate enough to be labeled "Lauren's Friend" finds this hysterical. Anything's hysterical when you're friend's a pseudo-reality star and you're looking for your 15 minutes of 'fro fame. Brody and Frankie appear and suggest going "to the Roosevelt pool," and Lauren replies that she's there every weekend. Zing! Advantage: Lauren. "But you know what's even more fun? Your condo." Lauren's subtlety needs some work. "OOOOHHHH. We're going back to the condo tonight!" Lauren first confirms that Spencer won't be there, because she's not up for a gangbang. "Spencer sits at home all night." Check. Let's roll.

Scene: Teen Vogue

Whitney is reading the names of designers on tags and Lauren is checking them off on a list. "Were you out last night?" "Yes, I went to Luh Doo." Lauren dishes that Spencer isn't returning Brody's phone calls, but says that it happens, since she and Heidi were "best best friends." If you are keeping track, as I am, then you know that while Lauren was "best best" friends with Heidi, she is currently "best" friends with Horsey, who is also trying to be "best" friends with Justin Bobby. I can't figure out why no one wants to be Whitney's best friend. I would be her best best best friend. "But you guys didn't end being friends because she was handing out with someone you didn't necessarily like." Um, actually Whitney, I think that was exactly what happened. Whitney says it must be a "momentary tiff." Lauren perks up. "Ah! I love that word 'tiff.' Did you know my name was gonna be Tiffany...or Crystal." Whitney imagines the possibilities. "Ti-uff. Crisss. Chrysieeee. Cryssstul." She makes the best faces ever.

Scene: Horsey and Lauren's Apartment

Lauren asks Horsey for wardrobe advice, but not tooth whitening advice, which is odd since that is clearly Horsey's strong suit. Horsey drops that she's going out with Justin Bobby to a restaurant called "Toi," which is pronounced "Toy" instead of "Twah." Not Lauren asks if Justin Bobby will be coming up to get her, and she says no, he'll be waiting for her down in the car and will call when he's damn good and ready for her to come down. "He wants to take things super slow and evolve." He hasn't yet reached that whole cro-magnon phase. Not Lauren, quick with the inquisition, asks, "Haven't you been dating him off and on for two years? How long have you been dating him this time?" Horsey admits that it has been four months since Justin Bobby and his combat boots came on the scene. "Yeah, he should probably be your boyfriend now." Not Lauren is like the wise sage of this group.

Honk-honk Justin Bobby is here in his El Camino. They exchange a very awkward kiss and hug.

Scene: Toi

At Toi, Justin Bobby can't believe Horsey is full already. "Why did we even go to dinner?" Horsey explains about how she ate some oats and carrots earlier and then says, "We're hanging out and getting to know each other." But you can't pull the wool over Justin Bobby's eyes. "Oh I know you. Sometimes you surprise me. But I get the gist of it." She presses him on the boyfriend-girlfriend issue. "For me, putting statements on things, I don't like that." "F*ck them...literally...f*ck them." Horsey looks at him quizzically, confused at what Justin Bobby is now asking her to do.

Scene: Brody's Ride

Brody's rollin in his large expensive SUV and calls up Satan. "Dude, I've called you like 5 times. You can't return my phone calls?" Is it me, or is Brody sounding like a needy chick? Brody can't understand why Satan is pissed that he's hanging with Lauren. "We've been best friends since kids." Um, Kids, the movie? What was that, 1995? "You are rolling with my enemy, and that makes you my enemy. I have nothing to say to you," Satan says, hanging up. Brody is stunned. "Bitch," Brody mumbles. Damn. Brody just called Satan a BITCH! And not to his FACE, but to the PHONE! That he wasn't ON! Oh snap.

Scene: The Roosevelt Hotel Pool

It's apparently Sunday, and if its Sunday, we all know that Lauren is at the Roosevelt. She is surrounded on all sides by her friends and best friends. Not Lauren quizzes everyone about whether they are checking out the meat market, and then we cut to two guys with jugs bigger than hers. Lauren scoffs, and says, "I can see Homeboy's ribs," clearly looking at someone else. "I like a man with some meat on his bones." Horsey wonders if she's made too much of the "boyfriend" label issue with Justin Bobby, since they're supposed to be kicking rocks and evolving and trying to be Best Friends. "He's being over-asshole," Lauren comments. The girls nod in agreement.

Here comes the Douche Squad, Brody and Frankie, to save Horsey from further flogging. When Frankie mentions that he called Lauren the day before, Brody becomes that chick again and says, "Why you calling my lady, dog?" Turns out that when Lauren told Brody that it would be fun to go "back to his condo," after le evening at Luh Doo, they wound up having a super fun and "friendly sleepover," which is apparently secret code for "doing it and then not running away horrified and disheveled in the morning." Lauren tries to deny it but Brody shoots her down and tells her not to make excuses for her skankalicious actions. Besides, Brody says, "Spencer and I broke up. I'm going out with Frankie now." Cue Douche Squad theme music.

Scene: The Frat House

Heidi is pretending to fold laundry while Satan chills on the couch with his laptop. She says, "You know what would be fun that we could do together?" "What?" "Fold this laundry." Clever, Heidi. Satan retorts, "I'm busy," and gets back to work, no doubt on his list of people to assassinate. He then assures her that he supports her in her endeavors and is folding in spirit. Heidi announces, at random, that she will be having breakfast with everyone's favorite tramp and former Best Friend, Jen Bunney. Spencer snaps, "Jen isn't hanging out with Lauren, is she?" wondering whether he needs to add Bunney to the list of targets. Heidi knows how to calm him down. "What do you say we go to Don Antonio's tonight for dinner, just the two of us?" as if they're exhausted from socializing with so many people. Spencer looks less than psyched. Heidi keeps folding.

Scene: Run-down Warehouse/Restaurant

Heidi and Bunney meet for what must be a rhinoplasty summit as well as a breakfast. "You look so different!" exclaims Heidi. They sit across from each other, with Bunney's handbag placed in between them on the table like a buffer. Somehow the conversation turns to Lauren and Spencer and Brody and Spencer and Heidi and Lauren and Heidi mentions that Brody's the one who started the rumors about Lauren and her Beef Curtains video. Bunney asks her how she knows it was Brody, and Heidi says that she heard him say things. See? It all makes sense now. Heidi insists that she doesn't care that she is no longer Best Best Friends with Lauren, or even Best Friends, or even Friends. Bunney knows the truth. "Yes you do." And the breakfast is apparently over, because they're kissing each other and walking away in opposite directions. Turns out that Bunney's plastic surgeon is down in Malibu, while Heidi's is over on Sunset.