The Hills Episode Four - "Meet the Parents"

Lots of cross-country action this week, my friends.
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Scene: Actual (non-costume) jewelry store

Satan and Heidi pay a visit to an actual jewelry store, which is different from the store where Satan purchased Heidi's Diamonique "engagement" ring. Heidi explains to Rafe the proprietor, "I actually have a ring that I need to be sized," not really sure that she believes herself. Rafe mumbles something about it being a nice ring. Do you work on commission, pal? She tries it on both the right and left hands. Satan asks her - again - which hand it goes on. She's got it figured out now, Satan. Heidi randomly muses, "I was thinking maybe you could come back to Colorado with me for the weekend if you want." "Ummmm....this weekend was the barbeque we were doing." Heidi plays the evil female trick of saying its okay "if you'd rather" do that. Satan sticks out his forked tongue and sings, "No, I'd rather go to Colorado and be with your fam-i-ly.....Wow."
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Scene: Douchemobile & STI Motor Sports

Douche Squad founders Brody and Satan visit some blue room with a bunch of rims. Satan tells Brody about his upcoming weekend with his shrew in Colorado. Oh hell no, says Brody. "This weekend is the barbeque we planned two months ago." Brody's cries a bit about how Satan is messing with his juju. Satan insists, "I'm gonna be there in spirit." Brody replies, "I understand that you're in love but it just sucks when you flake out on your homies like that." Brody understands love, but he does not understand how Satan is not down with the bruthahood.
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Scene: Some Beach

Justin Bobby is walking Horsey down the beach. "Hollywood doesn't have this." Medical waste washes over their feet while they sit in the sand. Justin Bobby wearing sunglasses on his chin. "I want you to like Lauren," Horsey whines. "She doesn't need to worry about it until you piss me off." They pound knuckles. Word.
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Scene: Frat House

Heidi says that the whole town of Colorado knows they're coming to visit. Satan replies, "Yeah, this is pretty much the heaviest thing I've ever done."
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Scene: The Boulevard Lounge

Lauren, Not Lauren and Horsey are all dressed up and drinking cocktails. Horsey asks to bring Justin Bobby to the first barbeque of the summer. Lauren shrugs with her eyes and says sure why not. The girls discuss men in general, coming to the ultimate conclusion that "Justin Bobby is complicated." Horsey whinnies in agreement. "Yes, he definitely keeps me on my toes." If by toes, you mean back, then yeah, Horsey. We hear ya.
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Scene: Crusted Butt, Colorado

Satan and Heidi arrive in a smallish jet. Satan sings, "Here we go, Crested Beee-yoot!" Heidi is nervous that her parents will see that she is engaged to the spawn of evil. "You okay - you up for the challenge?" As they roll on up to the House of Heidi and disembark the vehicle, we see that Satan has busted out with his finest poofed-up middle aged midwestern woman's hairdo, trying his best to fit in. "What's goin on?" he asks no one in particular. He focuses on the parents and warms their hearts when he remarks, "It's a trip, coming from the city to this."
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Scene: Brody's BBQ

Douchebox Frankie and Brody crack each other up. "I bet you right now he's riding horseback in the mountains." Satan checks in on the barbeque via cell phone. "What up...We're all here at the barbeque." Satan responds, "Yeah, well, you guys can pretend I'm there." Brody tells Satan to give his best to Heidi's parents since "I guess they're gonna be my best friend's future mother and father in law." It's nice to see that Heidi and Satan have such a fantastic support system.

Lauren and Not Lauren arrive to much fanfare. Brody douches, "We going kayaking - we're gonna get our fitness on." Meanwhile, Horsey's ass eats up her bikini bottoms, and Justin Bobby looks like a topless woman from behind. The saddest game of touch football ever played happens. Brody breaks something and begins to cry.
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Scene: Custard Butt

Satan needs a t-shirt, so they go the Mountain Store. Dad says, "He's nice, he's polite," and then says he's gonna take him out on the dance floor and make him dance like Vincent Vega. And then they're gonna have a "chat." "I look forward to it."
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Scene: Beach Bash

WTF is Justin Bobby wearing? Diapers and boots, v-neck t-shirt and a ponytail. Brody dips his injury, which turns out to relate to his finger, in his icy adult beverage. He leaves for urgent care.
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Scene: Crostini Butt

Dad tells Satan he wants to go for a little talk - in private. Satan's down. "Let's do that." They walk to the horse barn. "All I can tell you is my whole life I never thought I was the kind of person who would want to get serious with someone." Satan says, no doubt reassuring Dad as he gently strokes the pony. Dad tells Satan that Heidi's the kind of person who will forsake all others to worship a diety. "If things were go south, what would happen to her? I need her to have all of her eggs in one basket." Satan contemplates this and doesn't get it.
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Scene: Party Party

Horsey rears up her back legs and scrapes her hoofs at the ground, pissed as hell that Justin Bobby is making eyes at non-equine women. "Look at him, he's such a flirt." In the best non-storyline of the night, Brody walks in with a cast, x-rays and a lifetime of memories. He allegedly needs surgery. Lauren gets the giggles. "Oh laugh it up guys. Can't wait till it happens to you." Lauren knows it would never happen to her. She was all-conference in beach touch football.
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Scene: Crooked Butt

Mom is sharing her wisdom with Heidi. "Spencer could be the guy who ends up being your husband." Heidi can't understand why people don't believe she's actually engaged. "I can't imagine my life without Satan. He's my everything." Mom queries Heidi, "If you wind up having trouble, where are you gonna go?"
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Scene: It's His Party...

Brody's crying to Lauren and Not Lauren because they laughed at him for - again - crying about his finger. "I'm a little insecure about THIS," flailing his gimpy arm about. I'd be more insecure about that giant "Summer's Eve" on your forehead, sugar.
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Scene: Heidi's Parents' Restaurant

Satan sure knows how to pay a compliment. Nevermind the food. "I still can't believe you painted this whole place," he says in amazement. "So Satan, I'm impressed with your commitment with this ring." Satan grins. "She deserves the world, so." Yes, so. So you bought her a Diamonique.
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Scene:...And He'll Cry If Wants To

In this meaningless scene, we learn that underutilized Whitney did not attend the party because she was not feeling well. Brody confirms what most already know. "Spencer's not here." Lauren pretends to care, asking, "You guys ok? I lost a best friend last year too." I'm very surprised that Brody doesn't choke back a sob and blurt out, "It's not the same! We were BFF!" Oh Brody.
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Scene: Crumpled Butt

Satan cheeses, "Now I see why she hates on every chocolate souffle in L.A. - this is the real deal." That brown stuff is not chocolate souffle on his nose, people. Heidi gets up from the table and Satan says, somewhat ironically,"What an angel." But uh-oh. Heidi's parents can't let go of the fact that Satan has caused the rift between Heidi and Lauren. Satan's head spins around several times and then responds, "She's literally like a stubborn, immature little selfish little girl ...'I want Heidi to myself, you don't share her da da da da da,' literally it was like that." Literally. Heidi is confused. "Why are we talking about Lauren?"
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Scene: Beachaholics

Lauren and Horsey talk more smack about Heidi, the topic that never seems to die. "She let Hollywood go to her head, and he let a guy influence her...you know what I mean?" Horsey and Lauren like to make sure that there's no misunderstanding in ANY of their conversations. Lauren's eyes start to tear from the glare off Horsey's teeth.
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Scene: Crusted Butt

Heidi kisses Satan good night and leaves him to rot on the sofa.
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Scene: Beach Furniture Display

It occurs to Horsey that she hasn't seen Justin Bobby lately. "I haven't seen Justin in forever. I'm gonna try to call him." Because it's too much to get up and walk into the house to check. Lauren wanders inside and immediately walks out with a helmet. "Justin Bobby left this on the couch." Horsey can't figure it out. "He just left me? He's gone? Really?" Lauren grins, "I'm sorry." Horsey is all, "Seriously, I'm done." They hug it out. What is with the waterworks at this barbeque? It's like the worst beach party ever. Lauren puts it all in perspective. "Seriously, homeboy wore combat boots to the beach." Horsey gets it together. "I'm over it." Lauren learns us all a lesson. "Life's tough. Get a helmet." Or maybe a turquoise hoodie.

For Your Consideration

So I decided that this blog cannot be just about The Hills. I mean, I do watch other stuff. Most of it is on TBS, but my love affair with that channel is an entirely different issue. I'm planning on doing recaps of the following: Entourage, Project Runway (when it starts up again), Grey's Anatomy (same deal) and Damages. I may also eventually post my pre-blog recaps of So You Think You Can Dance. That way there will be more to see on the blog, and you can come visit me anytime!

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Your first Hills recap of the 3rd season

If you don't watch this show, you really should. Nothing will make you feel better about your own life, worse about your hair, and smart as a genius. And since SYTYCD is no longer taking up four hours of your tv-watching week, there's no excuse. Now for a recap of Episode 3 - "Truth and Time Tells All"

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Scene: Heidi's Non-Job

Heidi arrives at work fresh from a disaster recovery operation or something, given how torn up her jeans are. And who wears them to work?!? Elodie's like, "O.M.G.eeeeeee!" when she spies Heidi's CZ bling. Elodie's immediately suspicious - "You're not pregnant, are you?" followed by an incredulous, "So you're fully engaged?" not believing that this is an actual engagement ring. Heidi does not answer this question, because she's still not sure that she was actually proposed to. "If you meet a Spencer at my age, its like a whole different thing." Elodie the caring friend replies, "I don't think you should buy a wedding dress soon."

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Scene: Hot Topic

Spencer and Brody are the official Douche Squad. I swear it says "D-Squad" on Brody's t-shirt. They appear to be shopping at a Hot Topic-type store called Undefeated. This is apparently where he got the idea to spray paint his living room wall. Spencer has the hairdo of a 63 year-old midwestern woman. He really does look like a leprachaun.

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Scene: Teen Vogue Intern Corral

In the closet/office, Whitney asks Lauren "What's going on, girly." Way to play the power card, Whit. Lauren stares at her screen and passively replies, "Not much, whatcha been up to." "Nothing, just working...what about you?" Whitney apparently has Alzheimers. Except that suddenly Lauren has something to say that isn't meaningless drivel. "Well tonight I'm the third wheel. I don't know what attracts her (Horse Teeth) to him (Justin Bobby)." Whitney says, "You gotta tell me how that goes." "Oh - I - will," says Lauren. Whitney half-laughs. Lauren shrugs. Whitney is soooo underutilized on this show.

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Scene: The Frat House

Oh hell no. "Your hair looks beautiful." What? Random. Spencer has purchased a video game machine. The Lethal Enforcer. It has bugs on the side of it. Heidi disapproves but begins to play anyway. She says, "I have to get dressed." Yes, b/c clearly you forgot to wear your nude colored bra under your see-through shirt.

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Scene: The Ubiquitous Bar/Restaurant

Audrina and Justin Bobby are on a date. He starts the night off right by telling her that he feels like shit. They go ahead and eat despite the fact that Lauren's not there yet. Lauren shows up, just in time for Justin Bobby to rip a nasty belch. And then another. Lauren stirs her drink impatiently. Audrina keeps the comfortable friendly vibe going by asking Lauren if she thinks Justin Bobby is a good guy...right in front of him. "You know, it takes more than a couple drinks to tell." Justin Bobby has questions for Lauren. He says he's really in love with her. He's so not funny. He does not care about Lauren's evaluation. "It is what it is. Let's go." Lauren shakes her head and wonders how she wound up with a best friend who should be riding a short bus home instead of Justin Bobby's motorcycle. "I'm glad we had two drinks." Justin Bobby and Audrina roar off.

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Scene: Lauren and Horsey's Pool

Back at Hillside Villas the next day, Lauren and Audrina are camped out in their triangle top bikinis. Audrina doesn't need any kind of sun reflector, because her blinding white teeth are doing a fantastic job on their own. She admits Justin Bobby was being weird. Audrina apologizes for his being rude and disrespectful. "You should have a guy that makes you feel happy and not upset, you know what I mean?" knowing Audrina will need further explanation. Audrina can't say that she's done with Justin Bobby.

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Scene: The Frat House

Back at the frat house, Spencer decides they need to buy plates, spoons, and a coffee table. Or dining room table. Not necessarily in that order. More proof that they're not actually engaged. If they were actually engaged, they would actually know that people will purchase these things for them before their wedding. Spencer admires his mural. Ha ha! We're not making decisions together! They're surprises, dumbass bitch! "Wow. I love having this power."

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Scene: LA Frozen Yogurt Haven

Lo (Not Lauren) and Lauren are at Pinkberry mumbling something about Fruity Pebbles. Lauren admits to being in a rut. "Let's get you out of it then!" Not Lauren is always right there with the helpful life tips. Not Lauren asks about Justin Bobby. Lauren says he's weird and disrespectful. Lauren decides she does NOT want to work out with Audrina, so she asks "Are we going to the gym?" But - psych! Audrina's ditched Lauren before Lauren even has the chance to bail! Damn! "Can't do the roommate thing with the sucky boyfriend."

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Scene: Club Charcoal

Horsey sits waiting for a hobo to appear at Charcoal. There's one! It's Justin Bobby! Audrina tells him he was grumpy and mean, and that Lauren thought his comments were rude. He says he doesn't really care. They can "kick rocks" or do things and not let the bullshit get in the way. These are the options, Horsey. He swivels back and forth on his chair. She swoons when he says something about her heart. "I think truth and time tells all." "I'll drink to that," Says Horsey. Truth and time will take you straight to the glue factory, dummy.

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Scene: The Frat House

Heidi is rolling paint and performing what appears to be actual physical labor. Spencer enters stage right, not amused and looking like a serial killer. "Surprise!" "I surprised you with a beautiful mural and you surprised me with a boring white wall...I can't believe you did this." "I thought we could decide things together." Spencer's shirt has clear creases in it where it was folded on a store shelf about an hour beforehand. "I totally agree." Creepy smile. "What could I do without you?" "Anyway, so this is what it is. So." "Great paint job." He picks up the roller and continues to paint, touching up the spots she fucked up. He will paint the wall with her blood soon enough. Best to start with a clean canvas.