The Hills Episode Four - "Meet the Parents"

Lots of cross-country action this week, my friends.
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Scene: Actual (non-costume) jewelry store

Satan and Heidi pay a visit to an actual jewelry store, which is different from the store where Satan purchased Heidi's Diamonique "engagement" ring. Heidi explains to Rafe the proprietor, "I actually have a ring that I need to be sized," not really sure that she believes herself. Rafe mumbles something about it being a nice ring. Do you work on commission, pal? She tries it on both the right and left hands. Satan asks her - again - which hand it goes on. She's got it figured out now, Satan. Heidi randomly muses, "I was thinking maybe you could come back to Colorado with me for the weekend if you want." "Ummmm....this weekend was the barbeque we were doing." Heidi plays the evil female trick of saying its okay "if you'd rather" do that. Satan sticks out his forked tongue and sings, "No, I'd rather go to Colorado and be with your fam-i-ly.....Wow."
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Scene: Douchemobile & STI Motor Sports

Douche Squad founders Brody and Satan visit some blue room with a bunch of rims. Satan tells Brody about his upcoming weekend with his shrew in Colorado. Oh hell no, says Brody. "This weekend is the barbeque we planned two months ago." Brody's cries a bit about how Satan is messing with his juju. Satan insists, "I'm gonna be there in spirit." Brody replies, "I understand that you're in love but it just sucks when you flake out on your homies like that." Brody understands love, but he does not understand how Satan is not down with the bruthahood.
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Scene: Some Beach

Justin Bobby is walking Horsey down the beach. "Hollywood doesn't have this." Medical waste washes over their feet while they sit in the sand. Justin Bobby wearing sunglasses on his chin. "I want you to like Lauren," Horsey whines. "She doesn't need to worry about it until you piss me off." They pound knuckles. Word.
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Scene: Frat House

Heidi says that the whole town of Colorado knows they're coming to visit. Satan replies, "Yeah, this is pretty much the heaviest thing I've ever done."
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Scene: The Boulevard Lounge

Lauren, Not Lauren and Horsey are all dressed up and drinking cocktails. Horsey asks to bring Justin Bobby to the first barbeque of the summer. Lauren shrugs with her eyes and says sure why not. The girls discuss men in general, coming to the ultimate conclusion that "Justin Bobby is complicated." Horsey whinnies in agreement. "Yes, he definitely keeps me on my toes." If by toes, you mean back, then yeah, Horsey. We hear ya.
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Scene: Crusted Butt, Colorado

Satan and Heidi arrive in a smallish jet. Satan sings, "Here we go, Crested Beee-yoot!" Heidi is nervous that her parents will see that she is engaged to the spawn of evil. "You okay - you up for the challenge?" As they roll on up to the House of Heidi and disembark the vehicle, we see that Satan has busted out with his finest poofed-up middle aged midwestern woman's hairdo, trying his best to fit in. "What's goin on?" he asks no one in particular. He focuses on the parents and warms their hearts when he remarks, "It's a trip, coming from the city to this."
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Scene: Brody's BBQ

Douchebox Frankie and Brody crack each other up. "I bet you right now he's riding horseback in the mountains." Satan checks in on the barbeque via cell phone. "What up...We're all here at the barbeque." Satan responds, "Yeah, well, you guys can pretend I'm there." Brody tells Satan to give his best to Heidi's parents since "I guess they're gonna be my best friend's future mother and father in law." It's nice to see that Heidi and Satan have such a fantastic support system.

Lauren and Not Lauren arrive to much fanfare. Brody douches, "We going kayaking - we're gonna get our fitness on." Meanwhile, Horsey's ass eats up her bikini bottoms, and Justin Bobby looks like a topless woman from behind. The saddest game of touch football ever played happens. Brody breaks something and begins to cry.
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Scene: Custard Butt

Satan needs a t-shirt, so they go the Mountain Store. Dad says, "He's nice, he's polite," and then says he's gonna take him out on the dance floor and make him dance like Vincent Vega. And then they're gonna have a "chat." "I look forward to it."
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Scene: Beach Bash

WTF is Justin Bobby wearing? Diapers and boots, v-neck t-shirt and a ponytail. Brody dips his injury, which turns out to relate to his finger, in his icy adult beverage. He leaves for urgent care.
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Scene: Crostini Butt

Dad tells Satan he wants to go for a little talk - in private. Satan's down. "Let's do that." They walk to the horse barn. "All I can tell you is my whole life I never thought I was the kind of person who would want to get serious with someone." Satan says, no doubt reassuring Dad as he gently strokes the pony. Dad tells Satan that Heidi's the kind of person who will forsake all others to worship a diety. "If things were go south, what would happen to her? I need her to have all of her eggs in one basket." Satan contemplates this and doesn't get it.
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Scene: Party Party

Horsey rears up her back legs and scrapes her hoofs at the ground, pissed as hell that Justin Bobby is making eyes at non-equine women. "Look at him, he's such a flirt." In the best non-storyline of the night, Brody walks in with a cast, x-rays and a lifetime of memories. He allegedly needs surgery. Lauren gets the giggles. "Oh laugh it up guys. Can't wait till it happens to you." Lauren knows it would never happen to her. She was all-conference in beach touch football.
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Scene: Crooked Butt

Mom is sharing her wisdom with Heidi. "Spencer could be the guy who ends up being your husband." Heidi can't understand why people don't believe she's actually engaged. "I can't imagine my life without Satan. He's my everything." Mom queries Heidi, "If you wind up having trouble, where are you gonna go?"
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Scene: It's His Party...

Brody's crying to Lauren and Not Lauren because they laughed at him for - again - crying about his finger. "I'm a little insecure about THIS," flailing his gimpy arm about. I'd be more insecure about that giant "Summer's Eve" on your forehead, sugar.
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Scene: Heidi's Parents' Restaurant

Satan sure knows how to pay a compliment. Nevermind the food. "I still can't believe you painted this whole place," he says in amazement. "So Satan, I'm impressed with your commitment with this ring." Satan grins. "She deserves the world, so." Yes, so. So you bought her a Diamonique.
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Scene:...And He'll Cry If Wants To

In this meaningless scene, we learn that underutilized Whitney did not attend the party because she was not feeling well. Brody confirms what most already know. "Spencer's not here." Lauren pretends to care, asking, "You guys ok? I lost a best friend last year too." I'm very surprised that Brody doesn't choke back a sob and blurt out, "It's not the same! We were BFF!" Oh Brody.
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Scene: Crumpled Butt

Satan cheeses, "Now I see why she hates on every chocolate souffle in L.A. - this is the real deal." That brown stuff is not chocolate souffle on his nose, people. Heidi gets up from the table and Satan says, somewhat ironically,"What an angel." But uh-oh. Heidi's parents can't let go of the fact that Satan has caused the rift between Heidi and Lauren. Satan's head spins around several times and then responds, "She's literally like a stubborn, immature little selfish little girl ...'I want Heidi to myself, you don't share her da da da da da,' literally it was like that." Literally. Heidi is confused. "Why are we talking about Lauren?"
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Scene: Beachaholics

Lauren and Horsey talk more smack about Heidi, the topic that never seems to die. "She let Hollywood go to her head, and he let a guy influence her...you know what I mean?" Horsey and Lauren like to make sure that there's no misunderstanding in ANY of their conversations. Lauren's eyes start to tear from the glare off Horsey's teeth.
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Scene: Crusted Butt

Heidi kisses Satan good night and leaves him to rot on the sofa.
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Scene: Beach Furniture Display

It occurs to Horsey that she hasn't seen Justin Bobby lately. "I haven't seen Justin in forever. I'm gonna try to call him." Because it's too much to get up and walk into the house to check. Lauren wanders inside and immediately walks out with a helmet. "Justin Bobby left this on the couch." Horsey can't figure it out. "He just left me? He's gone? Really?" Lauren grins, "I'm sorry." Horsey is all, "Seriously, I'm done." They hug it out. What is with the waterworks at this barbeque? It's like the worst beach party ever. Lauren puts it all in perspective. "Seriously, homeboy wore combat boots to the beach." Horsey gets it together. "I'm over it." Lauren learns us all a lesson. "Life's tough. Get a helmet." Or maybe a turquoise hoodie.