The Hills - Episode 5 - "Rolling with the Enemy"

I think this might be the best episode yet. "Rolling With the Enemy"

Scene: Heidi's Fake Job

Bossman Bolthouse walks in for what appears to be a meeting and point-blank asks Heidi if Lauren and Brody are going back out. Last time Heidi heard, they hated each other. But hey, maybe that nose job messed with her hearing. Who knows. Um, how is this work related? In any event, Heidi looks incredibly uncomfortable. Bossman gives Heidi the important tasks of doing set-up, check in and "getting things organized" for some party. The purpose of this scene escapes me.

Scene: Horsey's Fake-er Job

Horsey and her co-worker take a break from their exhausting non-job duties to sit out in the courtyard and dish. Horsey is describing the drama that was Justin Bobby at Brody's Malibu Barbie beach party the weekend before. "He just peaced out?" I want to slap people who use "peaced out" as a verb. You know who you are, C.S. "I've never cried about a guy in my life," whinnies Horsey. "I'm on this roller coaster ride with Justin Bobby and its like these highs and lows." Horsey is so good about explaining her metaphors, just in case you're not familiar with the physics of roller coasters.

Scene: The Frat House

Heidi walks in after a long day of not working. Satan greets her from the couch. "Hello...most beautiful businesswoman in town. Oooh lip gloss. Look at you." Heidi says that Bossman saw Brody and Lauren together. The horror registers on Satan's chin pubes. "That's like hell freezing over to me. Well good for them, they need each other."

Scene: Les Deux

Lauren is recapping a story about two girls who started making out in the restroom. Some guy with a blonde 'fro, who is unfortunate enough to be labeled "Lauren's Friend" finds this hysterical. Anything's hysterical when you're friend's a pseudo-reality star and you're looking for your 15 minutes of 'fro fame. Brody and Frankie appear and suggest going "to the Roosevelt pool," and Lauren replies that she's there every weekend. Zing! Advantage: Lauren. "But you know what's even more fun? Your condo." Lauren's subtlety needs some work. "OOOOHHHH. We're going back to the condo tonight!" Lauren first confirms that Spencer won't be there, because she's not up for a gangbang. "Spencer sits at home all night." Check. Let's roll.

Scene: Teen Vogue

Whitney is reading the names of designers on tags and Lauren is checking them off on a list. "Were you out last night?" "Yes, I went to Luh Doo." Lauren dishes that Spencer isn't returning Brody's phone calls, but says that it happens, since she and Heidi were "best best friends." If you are keeping track, as I am, then you know that while Lauren was "best best" friends with Heidi, she is currently "best" friends with Horsey, who is also trying to be "best" friends with Justin Bobby. I can't figure out why no one wants to be Whitney's best friend. I would be her best best best friend. "But you guys didn't end being friends because she was handing out with someone you didn't necessarily like." Um, actually Whitney, I think that was exactly what happened. Whitney says it must be a "momentary tiff." Lauren perks up. "Ah! I love that word 'tiff.' Did you know my name was gonna be Tiffany...or Crystal." Whitney imagines the possibilities. "Ti-uff. Crisss. Chrysieeee. Cryssstul." She makes the best faces ever.

Scene: Horsey and Lauren's Apartment

Lauren asks Horsey for wardrobe advice, but not tooth whitening advice, which is odd since that is clearly Horsey's strong suit. Horsey drops that she's going out with Justin Bobby to a restaurant called "Toi," which is pronounced "Toy" instead of "Twah." Not Lauren asks if Justin Bobby will be coming up to get her, and she says no, he'll be waiting for her down in the car and will call when he's damn good and ready for her to come down. "He wants to take things super slow and evolve." He hasn't yet reached that whole cro-magnon phase. Not Lauren, quick with the inquisition, asks, "Haven't you been dating him off and on for two years? How long have you been dating him this time?" Horsey admits that it has been four months since Justin Bobby and his combat boots came on the scene. "Yeah, he should probably be your boyfriend now." Not Lauren is like the wise sage of this group.

Honk-honk Justin Bobby is here in his El Camino. They exchange a very awkward kiss and hug.

Scene: Toi

At Toi, Justin Bobby can't believe Horsey is full already. "Why did we even go to dinner?" Horsey explains about how she ate some oats and carrots earlier and then says, "We're hanging out and getting to know each other." But you can't pull the wool over Justin Bobby's eyes. "Oh I know you. Sometimes you surprise me. But I get the gist of it." She presses him on the boyfriend-girlfriend issue. "For me, putting statements on things, I don't like that." "F*ck them...literally...f*ck them." Horsey looks at him quizzically, confused at what Justin Bobby is now asking her to do.

Scene: Brody's Ride

Brody's rollin in his large expensive SUV and calls up Satan. "Dude, I've called you like 5 times. You can't return my phone calls?" Is it me, or is Brody sounding like a needy chick? Brody can't understand why Satan is pissed that he's hanging with Lauren. "We've been best friends since kids." Um, Kids, the movie? What was that, 1995? "You are rolling with my enemy, and that makes you my enemy. I have nothing to say to you," Satan says, hanging up. Brody is stunned. "Bitch," Brody mumbles. Damn. Brody just called Satan a BITCH! And not to his FACE, but to the PHONE! That he wasn't ON! Oh snap.

Scene: The Roosevelt Hotel Pool

It's apparently Sunday, and if its Sunday, we all know that Lauren is at the Roosevelt. She is surrounded on all sides by her friends and best friends. Not Lauren quizzes everyone about whether they are checking out the meat market, and then we cut to two guys with jugs bigger than hers. Lauren scoffs, and says, "I can see Homeboy's ribs," clearly looking at someone else. "I like a man with some meat on his bones." Horsey wonders if she's made too much of the "boyfriend" label issue with Justin Bobby, since they're supposed to be kicking rocks and evolving and trying to be Best Friends. "He's being over-asshole," Lauren comments. The girls nod in agreement.

Here comes the Douche Squad, Brody and Frankie, to save Horsey from further flogging. When Frankie mentions that he called Lauren the day before, Brody becomes that chick again and says, "Why you calling my lady, dog?" Turns out that when Lauren told Brody that it would be fun to go "back to his condo," after le evening at Luh Doo, they wound up having a super fun and "friendly sleepover," which is apparently secret code for "doing it and then not running away horrified and disheveled in the morning." Lauren tries to deny it but Brody shoots her down and tells her not to make excuses for her skankalicious actions. Besides, Brody says, "Spencer and I broke up. I'm going out with Frankie now." Cue Douche Squad theme music.

Scene: The Frat House

Heidi is pretending to fold laundry while Satan chills on the couch with his laptop. She says, "You know what would be fun that we could do together?" "What?" "Fold this laundry." Clever, Heidi. Satan retorts, "I'm busy," and gets back to work, no doubt on his list of people to assassinate. He then assures her that he supports her in her endeavors and is folding in spirit. Heidi announces, at random, that she will be having breakfast with everyone's favorite tramp and former Best Friend, Jen Bunney. Spencer snaps, "Jen isn't hanging out with Lauren, is she?" wondering whether he needs to add Bunney to the list of targets. Heidi knows how to calm him down. "What do you say we go to Don Antonio's tonight for dinner, just the two of us?" as if they're exhausted from socializing with so many people. Spencer looks less than psyched. Heidi keeps folding.

Scene: Run-down Warehouse/Restaurant

Heidi and Bunney meet for what must be a rhinoplasty summit as well as a breakfast. "You look so different!" exclaims Heidi. They sit across from each other, with Bunney's handbag placed in between them on the table like a buffer. Somehow the conversation turns to Lauren and Spencer and Brody and Spencer and Heidi and Lauren and Heidi mentions that Brody's the one who started the rumors about Lauren and her Beef Curtains video. Bunney asks her how she knows it was Brody, and Heidi says that she heard him say things. See? It all makes sense now. Heidi insists that she doesn't care that she is no longer Best Best Friends with Lauren, or even Best Friends, or even Friends. Bunney knows the truth. "Yes you do." And the breakfast is apparently over, because they're kissing each other and walking away in opposite directions. Turns out that Bunney's plastic surgeon is down in Malibu, while Heidi's is over on Sunset.