What Happens in Vegas Festers and Turns into a Rash in Vegas

Because you can only go to Luh Doo so many times, we're taking this party to Vegas, baby! But apparently you can never get enough Don Antonio's. That loco gringo shizz never gets old.

Scene: Lauren and Horsey's Apartment

The ladies are packing for a trip to Las Vegas when Horsey asks Lauren what she's getting Brody for his birthday. "We're flying to Vegas. You mean he needs a present too?" Lauren asks incredulously, appalled that her mere presence would not be enough. Cheapskate. Then we learn that Justin Bobby will be accompanying the ladies on their trip to Vegas as the only guy. Horsey is wearing her finest, um, denim vest for the trip. Looks like Justin Bobby's nouveau-trashbag-combat style is rubbing off on our friend Horsey. "That will be interesting." Word.

Scene: The Frat House

Satan and Heidi are discussing their anniversary plans, since it's been a whole year since they started ruining other people's lives. Heidi asks when Satan plans on telling his parents that they are engaged. A minor point, no doubt, to which Satan casually mentions that perhaps this will occur sometime after the wedding. But nevermind that silly stuff, let's get on to the important activities planned for the day - a trip to the spa for facials and then dinner at the "anniversary spot," which we all know means Don Antonio's. They raise a glass of brown cola to toast the best year of their lives.

Scene: LAX (the actual airport, not the ubiquitous club)

As the girls arrive at the airport, we see that Justin Bobby is chillin curbside in an oversized red wool hat, his guitar ready for action. Not Lauren and Lauren and a girl I'm unfamiliar with whom I will call More Than Lauren greet Justin Bobby, along with Horsey, who gallops up to him. "Can't we just do roadside check-in?" asks Horsey. Lauren asks Justin Bobby if he's going to serenade them with his guitar. Because Justin Bobby clearly hates every single one of them, he emits no response.

Scene: The Palms - this is MTV, people!

In "Brody's Suite" the Douche Squad is in full effect, with special Douche Nozzle "Tim" (I think - I honestly wasn't paying attention to him) mixing it up. Ding-dong, who could be at the door? Surprise! Brody is warmed by the sight of his bitches, including More Than Lauren, whose real name is allegedly "Jill." Justin Bobby jumps the gun on the ensuing toast and swings one back. It's gonna be a long weekend.

Scene: Heidi's Pseudo-Job

Jellodie is stirring up trouble. "Aren't you pissed that Heidi has her own office?" Jellodie asks some other Bolthouse minion, then announces that she gave her notice because of "the whole Heidi situation." In comes Bossman Bolthouse, who asks her about some event that is happening tomorrow that Heidi the Businesswoman had some level of responsibility for. Heidi announces that tomorrow is her anniversary and that someone will be covering for her. Bossman Bolthouse is not impressed. All Jellodie can do is shake her head.

Scene: Heidi's Pseudo-Job - again (post-commercial break)

Heidi asks Jellodie if everything is set for event, unaware that Jellodie has given this non-job the heave-ho. She mentions that its her anniversary, "so..." Jellodie finishes, "You want me to cover for you? Sure. Anything for you." Heidi the Businesswoman sets her straight. "You know that its business and nothing personal." "Sure. Should be no problem so have a great time." Jellodie is clearly planning something evil. I love her. I will miss her on this program.

Scene: Brody's Suite or some other Palms suite as if it really matters

Justin Bobby has not spoken one word to Lauren and Not Lauren. Oh, and More Than Lauren. Not Lauren is upset about this - she must think there's more to Justin Bobby than "kicking rocks" and avoiding labels. Lauren interrupts with an urgent shoe issue, but Not Lauren brings them back to reality and they decide to have a contest to see who can get him to smile first.

Scene: Some Vegas Club

Subtle Brody says something about taking Lauren on his spinning bed. He appreciates them coming for "my birthday" and for "my 24th," since those are obviously two different things. More Than Lauren and Not Lauren announce that they bought Justin Bobby a shot. Justin Bobby promptly ignores his benefactors in authentic Justin Bobby style. Lauren and Brody engage in some boring foreshadowing foreplay.

Scene: Somewhere Else at Some Vegas Club

Frankie asks Lauren what she's "going to do" about Brody, because they have "this chemistry." He explains that their problems began with the whole Spencer/Heidi thing. Now it becomes clear that Spencer and Heidi have ruined Lauren and Brody's relationship too! Turns out that Spencer and Heidi are also responsible for (1) the crisis in Darfur, (2) global warming, and (3) Britney Spears' performance at the VMAs. Then Not Lauren flashes her "Britney."

Scene: Brody's Suite

Brody, wearing sunglasses, says to Frankie, also wearing sungrasses, that "Wow - we were out of our minds last night." They discuss how Brody should get with Lauren. Even Douche Nozzle has sunglasses on. He's officially on the Squad now.

Scene: The Palms Pool

The girls are wondering the whereabouts of Horsey in an oversized papasan chair located poolside, because nothing is more flattering than sitting crouched up and hunched over in a two-piece. Lauren "adores Brody, but in a friendly way." "Well now that Jason's taken, you should go for Brody." HEY - MORE THAN LAUREN! There are more than two men in the universe. But none is douchier than Brody.

Scene: Pure

Romance is stenching up the air at Pure. Not Lauren and Frankie are making out. Brody and Lauren are making out. Audrina and Justin Bobby are not making out but instead looking sullen. I think all Brody does at clubs is shake his shoulders and point at people. It's his thing.

Scene: Don Antonio's

Surprise! Spencer has decked out the Don Antonio's table with some extra candles. Heidi can't believe her eyes at this momentous occasion, so she says, "I'm just excited to be here and at not work." Bring on the chalupas. It's our anniversary!

Scene: The Rotating Bed

All the ladies are on the rotating bed, feeling drunkety-drunk drunk, and Not Lauren announces that Justin Bobby hates all of them. Audrina is in the uncomfortable position of having to defend his hats and his attitude - thanks Not Lauren. "I get it!" Horsey gets sarcastic. "I'll blow him off and I'll never talk to him again." Actually, if you remove the words "off" and "again" from that sentence, then I'm pretty sure that this is already the norm with Horsey and Justin Bobby.

Scene: Don Antonio's

What a shocker - Heidi's cell phone rings. "They say its rude to answer the phone at anniversary dinners." Note that it is also rude to not have a job, spray paint your living room wall, diss your best-friend-since-kids, and say everything in a sing-song voice. Oh, and encourage your wifey-to-be to screw over her co-worker. Heidi learns via cell phone that Jellodie totally ditched out on the event. Heidi then learns that Jellodie quit yesterday. Heidi explains that she has to leave to go be Heidi the Businesswoman, and then blames Satan for encouraging her for going for the promotion. But nevermind all that - "So, I love you," she says. Satan replies, "No you don't," with an stare that melted the cheese on the chalupa. EEEK.

Scene: Brody's Suite

Brody was mumbling something about Justin Bobby and Not Lauren. Yeah, I'm totally not listening ot this conversation. Arguing, not arguing, who cares. Brody suggests taking a nap outside. But who will stand up for Justin Bobby? Brody. That's who. But not until he takes a nap with Lauren. And then the show ends. Snore.

- Will Brody and Lauren adore each other in a friendly way?
- Will Horsey kick Not Lauren in her Britney for talking smack about Justin Bobby?
- Will Satan accept Heidi the Businesswoman's love and tell his parents about his almost- proposal of marriage?
- Did Lisa Love have Whitney killed?
- Did More Than Lauren ever make it out of that papasan chair?

The answers to these questions and more, God willing, next week.