The Hills, Episode 6 - Second Chances

Scene: Teen Vogue

Lauren announces to Whitney that her ex, Jason, called her the night before. "What's he up to?" Oh you know, the usual. "He's over in Orange County in a rehab center." Lauren surmises that Jason has a Lauren pager where he shows up just when everything is otherwise going really well.

Scene: Equinox Gym

Lauren and Horsey are "working out" with their personal trainer, although Horsey has a full horse-face of makeup on. The trainer stretches out Lauren in a rather sexual way. Lauren mentions they're going out that night with a guy named Derek who thinks boot camp is not hard. The trainer says something stupid and then "the four of us should go out tonight...and we're doing shots." He mumbles something about it being his once-a-week regimen. He has apparently heard about the Douche Squad and is contemplating membership.

Scene: Juice Bar

Lauren tells Horsey over fruit smoothies that Jason wants to get together. Horsey tells Lauren that Justin Bobby keeps calling her. Lauren changes the conversation topic back to her and again mentions her "radar" theory. The best friends are resilient. "No more Justin Bobby or Jason. Only new boys." And new diseases.

Scene: Heidi's non-job

Heidi walks in wearing white pants - Labor Day, hello. Elodie, the jellyfish of the office, tells Heidi there's a new job opening that comes with its own office. She repeats "I'm dying for my own office." The job would entail "a lot more client interaction and stuff like that," at least more than their present non-jobs do. Heidi says, "Definitely." Jellodie agrees. "Definitely going to talk to Brent about it. Heidi nods. "You should." Jellodie continues to make her case to Heidi. "I definitely think that I'm ready and I've worked here for two years." Heidi seems genuinely puzzled, "That's it? You've worked here since before I did?" "Yeah, about a year." For those keeping score, Heidi has not worked at her non-job for an entire year. That's like, twelve whole months. Definitely. Who will win this battle of the non-working, inappropriately dressed, unprofessional bitches? Stay tuned.

Scene: The Frat House

Heidi comes home to find Satan making his usual ass print in the couch with his laptop. "I have good news!" Satan grins. "I love good news." He is obviously thinking, Christ, please tell me we don't have to go hang out with your family again. "There is a position opening up at Bolthouse." Satan pauses to look at her, wondering if she's suggesting that he get off his douche ass and do something for a living. Nope. "I guess Brent's looking for someone to be, like, the event director?" Heidi has researched the position thoroughly. "Very legit," says Satan. "I'm ready to help you step up."

Scene: Lola's

At Lola's we find Jarett, now named "Personal Trainer" and Derek, "Lauren's Date," waiting for the girls and talking about mullets. There's some nonsense boring conversation between the four of them. But then Lauren queries of Derek, "Why do you have a Michigan State t-shirt?" Turns out Derek went all out to impress on this date and launches right into the following:

"It was 40 cents at a thrift store. Well now the thrift stores are 50, 60 bucks for a shirt. I was in one the other day down on Melrose and it was like its vintage 70 bucks I have nine shirts at home that were like 50 cents now vintage is like more trendy and that's why they mark it up know what I'm sayin isn't it weird that I can buy a shirt for 40 cents and then a year later I can probably find the same shirt for 40 bucks."

Lauren looks aghast. But whatever, she'll play along. She's got new diseases to catch. "Yeah, that's very weird."

"I know, I mean I found that out that's why I got them all before I got out here."

There is nothing I could possibly say that makes this funnier than it is verbatim.

Scene: Luh Doo

The party moves to everyone's favorite club, Luh Doo, where D-Date tells Lauren, "I kind of like you more than anyone I've ever met," and then volunteers this gem: "Maybe I'm psychotic, maybe I've murdered some people." Yikes. Note to my gentlemen readers: this approach is ill-advised. Horsey gallops over to the rescue. "Lauren, I'm gonna go pee, do you need to pee?" and off they escape to the bathroom. Lauren confides to Horsey, "seriously I never wanted to stab myself in the eye more."

Scene: Teen Vogue

The next day in the Teen Vogue intern/no-longer-an-intern corral, Lauren asks Boss Whitney, "Are we working in here today?" "Yeah, I'm supposed to color coordinate these clothes," which she explains to mean that Lauren, her intern bitch, better get to it. "So what's up, what's new?" Whitney asks once she puts the whip away. "Me and Horsey went out with Jarett and his friend." Turns out that Jarett is Whitney's trainer too. Like, OMG! When Lauren explains how needy D-Date turned out to be, Whitney chimes in with, "Guys need to realize that they may need to wait a little while and shouldn't be so desperate." Lauren surmises, "I have a one-date curse that I need to break." Lauren is such a conspiracy theorist. Whitney is on a roll, though, so she explains, "I think its just one of those things you have to go through - not everyone is going to be a Prince Charming."

Scene: Heidi's Non-Job That Could Turn Out to Be an Actual Job

Bossman Bolthouse calls in Heidi the Businesswoman (sans holey jeans) who immediately says she heard about the job opening. Heidi makes her case that she should be considered for the position, asserting, "I feel like I've been here a long time and I've not worked really hard." Bossman thinks its an "interesting idea," which very possibly means, "Crawl under the desk here while I think about this."

Scene: Lauren and Horsey's Kitchen

Not Lauren is here and immediately begins pushing her attitude around and eating Lauren and Horsey's food. "I heard you got in a fight with Justin Bobby," she says to Audrina. And then sits down at the table while dinner is still being prepared. "You can't be good friends with an ex-boyfriend." Who asked you, Not Lauren, you interloper!?

Horsey starts to ask Lauren a question from this book of love and sex questions, but when the question says something about not being able to touch her lovah for 5 years or something, she withdraws the question. "You're not in a relationship. I can't ask you that." Lauren looks grateful for the reminder that she is still alone and boyfriendless, especially when the next question is about how many times she'd had her heart broken or been really in love or some crap like that. She holds up one finger, which we all know means Jason. The girls all try really hard to not look at each other.

Scene: Lauren and Horsey's Pool

D-Date has struck again and left Lauren a voicemail. She grumbles about how terrible he is. Horsey says, "There's no perfect guy." Anyway, Justin Bobby apologized. "You can't just like half of who a person is." I should be writing this shit down. Oh. Wait.

Scene: Heidi's Non-Job-Job

Heidi greets the Bolthouse nameless receptionist and then goes in and sits in her new office, flouncing into her chair. Jellodie walks by, now aware that she got the SHAFT and says "congratulations" and other words of genuine understanding like "Well good for you" and "No, that's fine" and "As long as you appreciate it as much as I would have." Jellodie rolls her eyes as she walks away, in that passive-aggressive way she has, because she's too much of a p*ssy to say anything to Heidi's face but isn't afraid to express her disdain to the camera and millions of eager viewers like us. Too bad she didn't pull a Brody and call her a bitch - but not to her face - and way out of earshot.

Scene: Some Beach

Justin Bobby is wearing a t-shirt that is so dirty it looks like he used it to wipe down his tires. The point of this scene, readers, is twofold, which becomes evident as we watch them emerge from the sand and vvvvrrrroom off on his motorcycle. First, Justin Bobby and Horsey are still "kicking rocks" and not being boyfriend and girlfriend but spending quality time together. Secondly, I swear I just saw Horsey's ass crack. That thing is HUNGRY - it ate her bikini bottoms a couple weeks ago and now its gobbling up her underpants! Yikes!

Scene: Chapman Coffee House

Cue the dramatic scene of the episode. Here comes Jason, with a hall pass from rehab, electing to meet, for obvious reasons, at the coffee house rather than Luh Doo. Lauren gives Jason a pair of sunglasses she found in her car. He's totally psyched. Dude, it wasn't a gift - they were yours to begin with. He's wearing a black wristband that I'm curious about. He then proceeds to tell Lauren everything in his heart, summoning all that pain and emotion from their catastrophic breakup that sent him into his downward spiral into alcoholism and putting it into meaningful verbiage. "It was hard. It was weird. It was just hard to get over." Lauren says, "I know." Sober Jason seems like a pretty decent guy, although he may turn out to be a Fun Bobby. Bonus points if you know what I'm talking about.