Your first Hills recap of the 3rd season

If you don't watch this show, you really should. Nothing will make you feel better about your own life, worse about your hair, and smart as a genius. And since SYTYCD is no longer taking up four hours of your tv-watching week, there's no excuse. Now for a recap of Episode 3 - "Truth and Time Tells All"

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Scene: Heidi's Non-Job

Heidi arrives at work fresh from a disaster recovery operation or something, given how torn up her jeans are. And who wears them to work?!? Elodie's like, "O.M.G.eeeeeee!" when she spies Heidi's CZ bling. Elodie's immediately suspicious - "You're not pregnant, are you?" followed by an incredulous, "So you're fully engaged?" not believing that this is an actual engagement ring. Heidi does not answer this question, because she's still not sure that she was actually proposed to. "If you meet a Spencer at my age, its like a whole different thing." Elodie the caring friend replies, "I don't think you should buy a wedding dress soon."

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Scene: Hot Topic

Spencer and Brody are the official Douche Squad. I swear it says "D-Squad" on Brody's t-shirt. They appear to be shopping at a Hot Topic-type store called Undefeated. This is apparently where he got the idea to spray paint his living room wall. Spencer has the hairdo of a 63 year-old midwestern woman. He really does look like a leprachaun.

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Scene: Teen Vogue Intern Corral

In the closet/office, Whitney asks Lauren "What's going on, girly." Way to play the power card, Whit. Lauren stares at her screen and passively replies, "Not much, whatcha been up to." "Nothing, just working...what about you?" Whitney apparently has Alzheimers. Except that suddenly Lauren has something to say that isn't meaningless drivel. "Well tonight I'm the third wheel. I don't know what attracts her (Horse Teeth) to him (Justin Bobby)." Whitney says, "You gotta tell me how that goes." "Oh - I - will," says Lauren. Whitney half-laughs. Lauren shrugs. Whitney is soooo underutilized on this show.

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Scene: The Frat House

Oh hell no. "Your hair looks beautiful." What? Random. Spencer has purchased a video game machine. The Lethal Enforcer. It has bugs on the side of it. Heidi disapproves but begins to play anyway. She says, "I have to get dressed." Yes, b/c clearly you forgot to wear your nude colored bra under your see-through shirt.

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Scene: The Ubiquitous Bar/Restaurant

Audrina and Justin Bobby are on a date. He starts the night off right by telling her that he feels like shit. They go ahead and eat despite the fact that Lauren's not there yet. Lauren shows up, just in time for Justin Bobby to rip a nasty belch. And then another. Lauren stirs her drink impatiently. Audrina keeps the comfortable friendly vibe going by asking Lauren if she thinks Justin Bobby is a good guy...right in front of him. "You know, it takes more than a couple drinks to tell." Justin Bobby has questions for Lauren. He says he's really in love with her. He's so not funny. He does not care about Lauren's evaluation. "It is what it is. Let's go." Lauren shakes her head and wonders how she wound up with a best friend who should be riding a short bus home instead of Justin Bobby's motorcycle. "I'm glad we had two drinks." Justin Bobby and Audrina roar off.

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Scene: Lauren and Horsey's Pool

Back at Hillside Villas the next day, Lauren and Audrina are camped out in their triangle top bikinis. Audrina doesn't need any kind of sun reflector, because her blinding white teeth are doing a fantastic job on their own. She admits Justin Bobby was being weird. Audrina apologizes for his being rude and disrespectful. "You should have a guy that makes you feel happy and not upset, you know what I mean?" knowing Audrina will need further explanation. Audrina can't say that she's done with Justin Bobby.

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Scene: The Frat House

Back at the frat house, Spencer decides they need to buy plates, spoons, and a coffee table. Or dining room table. Not necessarily in that order. More proof that they're not actually engaged. If they were actually engaged, they would actually know that people will purchase these things for them before their wedding. Spencer admires his mural. Ha ha! We're not making decisions together! They're surprises, dumbass bitch! "Wow. I love having this power."

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Scene: LA Frozen Yogurt Haven

Lo (Not Lauren) and Lauren are at Pinkberry mumbling something about Fruity Pebbles. Lauren admits to being in a rut. "Let's get you out of it then!" Not Lauren is always right there with the helpful life tips. Not Lauren asks about Justin Bobby. Lauren says he's weird and disrespectful. Lauren decides she does NOT want to work out with Audrina, so she asks "Are we going to the gym?" But - psych! Audrina's ditched Lauren before Lauren even has the chance to bail! Damn! "Can't do the roommate thing with the sucky boyfriend."

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Scene: Club Charcoal

Horsey sits waiting for a hobo to appear at Charcoal. There's one! It's Justin Bobby! Audrina tells him he was grumpy and mean, and that Lauren thought his comments were rude. He says he doesn't really care. They can "kick rocks" or do things and not let the bullshit get in the way. These are the options, Horsey. He swivels back and forth on his chair. She swoons when he says something about her heart. "I think truth and time tells all." "I'll drink to that," Says Horsey. Truth and time will take you straight to the glue factory, dummy.

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Scene: The Frat House

Heidi is rolling paint and performing what appears to be actual physical labor. Spencer enters stage right, not amused and looking like a serial killer. "Surprise!" "I surprised you with a beautiful mural and you surprised me with a boring white wall...I can't believe you did this." "I thought we could decide things together." Spencer's shirt has clear creases in it where it was folded on a store shelf about an hour beforehand. "I totally agree." Creepy smile. "What could I do without you?" "Anyway, so this is what it is. So." "Great paint job." He picks up the roller and continues to paint, touching up the spots she fucked up. He will paint the wall with her blood soon enough. Best to start with a clean canvas.